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| The Semester's First All-Nighter |
| 09.29.04 (3:45 pm) [edit] |
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Whoo hoo! Adrenaline buzz! :shock:So tired, yet so wired. That could have something to do with the Sobe, the Dr. Pepper (used around 6:00 when I was starting to lose it), and the Amp at 10:30 this morning. I'll have to to probably take one more before art class. This time, let's try a Rock Star or an Invigor8. Anything else brilliant to say? I hate biology. I want Reese's Pieces. When I am more centered I will comment on why I was up until...well, I'm still up...why I've been awake for almost 30 hours. That and this fratority thing my dad thinks is so wonderful. No gym tonight I guess (again!) Current Mood:   Tired, yet kinda buzzed and lightheadedWheeeee! |
| 0 Comments |
| stuff |
| 09.27.04 (9:19 pm) [edit] |
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What's happening? Do I want to sleep tonight, and work tomorrow, or work some tonight, and some tomorrow? Mmmmm...tomorrow. Damn, I'm tired. Had a biology test today. Don't know how well I did on it. I know it wasn't a total failure.:? My history teacher is...lively. This guy has a lot of enthusiasm for what he's teaching. A great difference from my last history teacher. First off, he was 5-15 minutes late for every class. Second, he couldn't project to the back of the (regular sized) classroom, and he sounded like Bob Newhart, except Bob Newhart is funny, and had more variety in his voice. I pretty much doodled, stared blankly, and planned out my weekends. At least this teacher engages you, and is quasi-interesting to listen to. Shit. Thinking about graduation. Everything out of the picture, Spring 2007 is still a helluva long way away. Sick of school and classes. I'm so glad this wretched month is almost over with! I forgot my bike yesterday! One of the biggest reasons I went home this weekend was to get my bike. About 5 or 10 minutes on 80, I remembered. Between shopping for dishes, the whole thing totally slipped my mind. Doesn't matter, I've got stuff going on the next 2 weekends anyway. (Test, Walk-a-Thon). On an unrelated note, I had one of the best strawberry dacquris I've ever had at Chili's the other night. It was just how I like 'em, mostly fruity with a slight hint of alcohol. Blaaaaaah Current Mood:  Bleck
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| I'm BAAAAACK!!! |
| 09.25.04 (4:31 pm) [edit] |
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(This is the 3rd time I've tried to post, let's see if I can make it happen this time). Anyway Right now, I am at home. I am typing on my very own laptop computer that does not have incessant Internet Explorer pop-ups, closes easily, the lid stays up, I can right click on any piece of text or picture I want, this computer doesn't say it's available till 6:00 at night and then only have an hour left on it, I can be on this computer at my convinience, to someone else's, and it's fucking wonderful! Of course, the internet probably won't be working when I get back into my dorm because all the settings were reset, but that's a completely different issue. So, now I'm all caught up on my This Modern Worlds and my Strongbad e-mails. Wish I could say the same for my homework. What else? I redownloaded Yahoo! IM, and there was a crapload of offlines (which has never happened to me before). There were about 4 from a guy who said I was cute and that he was from San Jose State (I forgot to look at his profile), a 29-year-old guy in Citrus Heights who wrote me about 9 messages wanting to have sex with me, a couple from some guy named Jay, and some guy just complimenting my screen name. I have to wonder about these guys who have evidentally seen my profile, which clearly states that A. I'm in a long-term realationship, B. It explicitly mentions the screen name of my boyfriend C. He is in my picture. I would just think that maybe any one of those points would be a big ol' red light to people, but evidentally not. After writing that last entry, I had sworn to go to the gym. Jeremy called right as I was looking for some gym shorts and we ended up talking for an hour and a half. Same thing happened the next night. Finally on Wednesday, I worked out for an hour and a half, I think I managed to burn off what I ate all day. So I may yet get back up to 2 hours a day. Although my body was not too happy with me after an hour and a half. So I did have to do technical director and director on Tuesday. I finally figured out that whole scary technical director thing, yay. And directing was a lot easier than I thought it would be. The teacher and the TAs said I did a really good job. One of the TAs also said that my opening statements to my crew were the best ever, "Good afternoon, I am Amanda, your director, thy god. We have a few rules on my production. Rule #1, the director is always right. Rule #2, should the director be wrong, refer back to rule #1. As long as we can all agree on these, we should have a smooth production." What else? I know I really wanted to write about that last thing. Quick observation. First off, why is it so hard to find just the accessories for a maid's costume? It's not hard to find a whole tarty maid's costume thing. Magenta is more of a character who just happens to be a maid. But what if you just needed the apron and the hat? I don't know, what is that thing called?  This thing that looks like a dollie on her head. I finally got a big ol' dollie to make into her weird apron. It's like got the weird little June Cleaver thing on the bottom like I had to wear in Disney World but it's got shoulder staps, which I've never seen in an apron before:  Anyway, that looks like it's coming together. I showed my dad the piece of lace and held it up like an apron, and he got all freaked out and worried like I knew he would. "Is this something I should know about?" "Is this something you would want your grandmothers to know about?" I told him, if my maternal grandmother saw it, she might try and copy it. While at Party America, not finding maid's accessories (I mean, what if you wanted them to play dress up with your special friend?) they have all kinds of costumes-in-a-bag (which I don't like. I feel so fortunate to have had a mother who would sew me fun and gorgeous costumes). And one of them, for girls between about 8 and maybe 12, is called Punk Diva Rock Girl. This isn't a costume! This is what I wore to Pleasure Island on a regular basis! This is still what I wear when I go out and have fun (except my boots are way cooler, and I have the mudflap girl necklace, just added in my list of icons on the left; the mudflap girl is everything I aspire to be). Since when do normal clothes pass for a costume. The idea of costumes or Halloween is to be something you are either not or want to be. So yesterday, I went to Red Lobster for lunch. It was great! I haven't been there in so long! I had this fondue thing. My mom bought me a bunch of clothes at JC Penny's to be saved for Christmas. We looked at leather jackets. Unfortunately none of the ones there fit me (damn my great boobs!). What else? I'm not sure, but I think my mom has gotten a little crazy that I have figured out what dishes I might like to have if I ever actually have any semblence of an apartment or home in which to put them. I don't know why exactly, maybe it's because she has this whole status as a domestic thing, and anytime I express an interest in something domestic like dishes made of neither styrofoam, nor paper, she's gotten all excited and looking at the type of dishes I want in the stores, on the internet, and trying to find amusing cookie jars that might match colbalt blue and shamrock fiesta ware  upon telling her "I think I might want to go for something kind of 50's, by which I mean very geometric shapes and colors like in the art of Shag who does pieces like these:   This sort of mod, cool thing. She finds a cookie jar on eBay, trying to convince me it's what I want:  Mmmmmm....no thanks. So today, we went to Macy's and bought a shamrock platter, big ol' dish, and a cobalt plate and gravy boat (considering I don't like gravy, but maybe all the people I will be entertaining do). I bought Kelly's birthday present, so that's not something I have to worry about anymore. It's just an Aerosmith shirt. That's all she's getting, considering it was $20. I wonder how she is, I haven't talked to her in awhile. But I haven't been online in a long time either. I'll redownload AOL instant messenger after this (coming) week is over. I've got some shit to do. Is there anything else I want to say here! Whoo hoo! Restored computer!! I think I'll call Jeremy now. Current Mood:  Happy to be back online!
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| Hating my body |
| 09.20.04 (4:46 pm) [edit] |
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Anything I want to say now? I found out that my old journal's website has ceased to exist. However, all the entries are being uploaded to a new website. Of course, as of right now, my new login name at that website is one letter too long. Supposedly, that will be fixed soon. Fucking uJournal. Do you ever eat very little during the day, and then when you do eat something, you realize what crap it was, and feel totally guilty about it later to the point you don't want to eat anything else all day? I feel that right now. I'll probably eat something else anyway. The class that made me cry about 3 or 4 weeks ago was cancelled. I should be taking advantage of this opportunity to go to the gym. We had a female model in my art class today (Jeremy, if you read this before we talk tonight, I will answer all your questions later). Of course she took off her clothes and everyone drew her. I would never do that. I would make myself naked in front of total strangers that I would never see again, or, circumstance depending, very close friends. However, not quasi-aquaintences, or people I am likely to see again. I am conscious that I make some sort of automatic assessment of the model of how they look before I get to drawing them. If they are female, usually I compare them to myself. For example, the model today, don't know how old she was, couldn't've been much older than me, but I looked at her, thought, "Well, she's not that thin" this negative thought was proceeded by, "She's a helluva lot thinner than you, fatass!" Dammit. I need to start eating less and working out more! Well, going to now go ruin my body again with more food. I should keep telling myself "Nothing could taste as good as looking good feels" but I somehow always forget to remind myself that. I think I am directing in lab tomorrow. Yippy. I don't do good under pressure. I just see myself totally fucking it all up. I have 802 hits. Someone is reading this garbage. In the last 5 entries I have gone from miserable, to good, back to miserable, to neutral, and now disgusted with my appearance. Why doesn't anyone comment? Someone out there, sympathize, tell me I'm full of shit, laugh at stuff, agree with me, give me a reason to not be so negative/positive/neutral ! Hello hello Is there anybody in there...just nod if you can hear me...is there anyone home...?" Current Mood:  Self-Loathing
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| 4 Comments |
| Killing time or Blah! |
| 09.20.04 (8:45 am) [edit] |
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Is there anything I want to say here? Abhor Internet Explorer. Hate the computers at the library. Miss my computer like hell. I wish it was Christmas. Everything that comes with Christmas gets to be a little much after awhile, especially when stores put up their decorations about 2 weeks before Halloween. I don't necessarily want it to be Christmastime. If it were late November/early December, that is the kind of mindset that often goes along with that season. Walking around these past couple of days, in my shorts and short sleves, where it is balmy and sunny, but just a bit of a chill, makes me think of how the weather is usually in Los Angeles when we go to Disneyland at Thanksgiving. This makes me wish I was in Disneyland (but what doesn't?). Or it just makes me wish it was early December. Except it isn't even October yet... I hate September. That has got to be my least favorite month. Nothing happens in it. There are no holidays, school is just kind of kicking in, so it drags on, Labor Day is in there somewhere, but that sucks because it's so early in the month, it's (practically) the only day we get off from school, and it's right after it starts, leaving us to wait for another 3 months before another break. Plus if it were November/December, I would be that much closer to everything being where I want it. But I would be that much closer to February, in which every year at the same time, much like swallows returning to Capistrano, depression sets in. But it's OK, I ride it out every year. I finally managed to find a picture of that shirt I bought at Hot Topic Saturday.  I would like to know what idiot decided that having mice in the computer lab that had right buttons that actually worked would be a bad idea. You know, making a little menu come up that says, "Copy, Paste, Cut" that sort of thing. Shit. I get to go to Biology next. Whoo freakin' hoo. That is in about 45 minutes. Plus, tonight is the night that I can't eat dinner because I have a late afternoon class and a night class back to back. What else? Finally have my shit together enough to start making a flier for my art class. (Unfortunately, this computer is going to log me off in less than 11 minutes so I won't get very far on it without logging back in again. Current Mood:  Blah
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| Stuff that happened yesterday/today |
| 09.19.04 (4:43 pm) [edit] |
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OK, so, after being depressed and everything else, I opted to do what I always do when depressed, shop. Actually, first there was that whole PBS thing. It was a lot better yesterday. The person who was supposed to be Camera 2 cancelled, so I got to be it, which was very exciting for me (well, it wasn't "exciting" just considerably less boring). Then, I shopped. I went to Valley Fair, but I didn't go downstairs. It wasn't an imaginary trip to the mall this time either. It was actually enjoyable.  I decided my parents would buy me a shirt that had an angry Donald Duck on it that said, If I'm not happy No one is happy (It seemed to fit my recent demeanors). I also got a shirt from Hot Topic (I have filled up a Hot Topic 20% off card now. Yay). (I'm looking for a picture of it). I have heard Jeremy say this. Not to anyone, more like, "have you heard this line?" Looks like I can't find the shirt. It is brown, has orange letters, with an outline of the state of Tennessee. On the top it says, "Are you sure you're not from Tennessee" and on the bottom "'cause you're the only 10 i see" (corny, but it reminded me of him). My credit card was rejected at the Disney Store, that was fun. I then went to Target, I bought some socks to work out in. Thought I would buy some of those things that they had this year for dorms that were navy and green. But they went on sale and were almost gone. I went to the Burrito Factory for dinner and had a quesidilla. I got a few groceries at the Safeway that is right in that same shopping center (for some reason, I go to that one more than I go to the one by school), bought gas, went to Blockbuster, this is about the 4th time I've been in there in 3 weeks, and they still don't have Ella Enchanted, I think they just have the boxes up there to screw with people, and they don't really have any copies of the movie itself. Instead I got Connie and Carla, and Love Actually (I have no computer, what else am I supposed to do? I already finished my most pressing homework).  Connie and Carla was cute. It looked like it would have been a fun movie to design costumes for. Everything outside was wet when I woke up. TThis disturbed me because I discovered I have no long anything to keep warm. So hopefully it doesn't get too cold. It is tolerable the way it is now. This morning as I walked to the library, it was a little nippy, but it seemed like a beautiful day. Brisk, that's a better word. It made me think it was November or December (I wish it was for a lot of reasons). The weather reminded me of how it was on the mornings we went to Disneyland during the week before Thanksgiving, balmy, and nippy. It made me wish I were bike riding. (Maybe weekend-after-next). Then I had to remind myself it was only September still. That's one thing I hate about the weather behaving abnormally for the season. It makes me wish it were later in the year, (like when it's 90 in March) but of course it isn't. Today, I decided to take an imaginary trip to Ikea. (After coming to the library to look up directions on the computer and finding that it does not open until 1freakin'o'clock I love this inconvinience! Speaking of which, I have to be off this thing in less than 20 minutes because that is when the library closes. I did finally make it to Ikea without aid of computer). I have decided that that is where I want to buy all my furnature. The only thing I didn't see there that I really want in my house, and have for as long as I can remember is a papsan chair.  (One of these things. They are so comfortable). But I had fun. I'd never been before, all the stuff is a lot of what I think I want in a design; geometric, navy blue or lime green and light wood. It is much more interesting than the catalogue. Then I went to Home Depot, got some nuts and bolts to fix some stuff, including that thing easel that has been in several pieces blocking some of the drawers in my room. I had lunch at McDonald's, and dessert at Baskin Robbins. I went to Best Buy for fun. I ended up buying a $10 copy of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then I drove to a Goodwill Store on West San Carlos to look for a black skirt for my Magenta Halloween costume. I found one that will suffice (there was another that was perfect, but just a bit too small for me). I went to Payless Shoes, found that they have cute boots in my size, even if the store at Eastridge doesn't. Went to Michaels to look at lace for a June Clever apron. Found some, but I couldn't get a price on it. I know they have some at the store at home for $5. I'll hold on to my coupon and wait till this weekend. Then I came back here and rushed to the computers before the stupid library closed. Current Mood:  Fine
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| Nope, I was wrong. |
| 09.18.04 (10:48 am) [edit] |
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I guess I am not allowed to be content for more than 24 hours or something like that. (Small talk first) Did PBS again last night. The cheerleaders were there. I didn't get to film the 49'ers performing. I talked to the Raiderettes as they were going into the building. They were nice. I told them how my dad stupidly asked what they were going to be doing and I said, "Laying grout" they thought it was funny. Camera 1 was boring. I feel like I am staring around the room most of the time. The floor director was nice enough to let me switch with camera 3 for a shift. So that made things more interesting for me. Got to film 49'er cheerleaders modeling a hockey stick. I'm going to do it again today (no cheerleaders tho). Oops, I forgot my camera. Oh well. Guess my mom can't scrapbook it now. That will give her more time to focus on the 13 rolls of film from Dad and Mike's Europe trip or everything that happened to me between age 6 and 17. So, why am I distraught this time? Because while talking to Jeremy last night, he looked up the prices to come to Tennessee over Thanksgiving. And it turns out it's going to cost about $500. Because I maybe have $400, which I was planning to spend on 2 trips, this makes it all that much more disconcerning. Well, at least my dad gets to be happy. It's my own stupid fault. I should have known that the motherfucking airline people would gouge the hell out of you just because it's a holiday. I should have known that! And yet, I completely forgot all about that, and was optimistic and it got me disappointed. Jeremy was a dork for the rest of the conversation, being an ass telling tasteless jokes, not being sensitive or just nice like I wanted him to be. I called my parents. My dad denied (with that guilty I'm-trying-hard-not-to-li e-and-I've-just-been-caug ht giggle) that he didn't want me to go to KY for the holiday. He also denied that he didn't want to see me happy with a boyfriend (as it seems he makes numerous efforts to keep us apart. Take this summer when I didn't get to stay there because he sat around on his ass about it until it was too late). My mom (who my dad had to wake up, it was probably a mistake. My mom is like a 5-year-old. If you wake her up from her nap too early, or if she doesn't sleep, she gets kranky), said I'm sorry. I needed someone to be really frustrated with. One of these days, I will learn it's not my mom. So I tried to be frustrated, which just made her mad. Then we started talking about apartments. I told her about the one right across from campus. For some reason, in my mom's mind any apartment around campus is bad, simply because my dad's was bad. She hasn't been in any in downtown apartments since then. I have been in several. I tried to tell her about it, she flat out denied it, and said something about "Unless it's something special" and I said "I didn't think I deserved something special" (in hindsight, deserved was a poor word choice. However, all I meant was, were they really going spend money for me to live in some luxurious place with all the fixin's). She just jumped all over that. She became a pissy bitch just because of that one poorly-chosen word, and started in, "I'm sorry you can't see your boyfriend, I'm sorry you are so miserable..." (I'm sorry you have no idea what I'm going through, you horrible bitch). And we continued to fight about apartments, I yelled at her to listen to what i meant instead of just being a passive-aggressive bitch. And she couldn't figure out why I didn't want to live in the SJSU off-campus apartments. I said because I didn't want to be living in a place "connected with SJSU" and I guess the whole connected thing was confusing for her. I didn't mean litterally like attached to the campus, i meant like, "associated." Of course, part of the confusion was my stupid dad thought that the apts that Jeremy was living in were associated with his school, which is i guess the information he passed on to my mom. The whole conversation ended with, "It doesn't matter, it's not like it's going to be happening soon anyway" (Then why are you telling me to jump online and start looking up apts, you moron?!) So, I drove home, and cried hard the whole way feeling miserable. I don't expect those idiots to know how I feel. They never will. They can't be sensitive to me. All they can do is patronize me. It will be five months now between visits. Five fucking months! I hate this. I am miserable! I wanted to go right home and type all this I am typing now as a way of dealing with it. This is a form of therapy for me. When you have no one to talk to, and no one to call, typing to anyone who wants to tune in is a resonable substitute. Of course, I don't have the luxury of a computer. Because mine is in Memphis, Tennessee (I wish I was in Memphis, Tennessee), according to my dad. Knowing that the library was closed, I went to the computer labs on campus. Evidentally, because it's Friday, no one wants to use a computer after 6 PM. I kicked the door to the portable (No one ever wants to use computers before 2 PM evidentally, either, hence why I had to come to the library). All the more reason to be frustrated. I miss my computer so much. When you spend most of your time alone, on the computer, you really miss the luxury of having it. I am honestly trying to figure this out. I have been for sometime. I think people tell themselves, "Things happen for a reason" and shit like that just to make themselves feel better about something not going just the way they want. But, let's just pretend it's true. Everything does happen for a reason, you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need, and all that crap. It's all the dead-honest truth. What is the beniefit of my current situation? What am I supposed to be gaining from being fucking miserable? What is it that I am supposed to learn that, evidentally, few other people need to learn? What is the point of all this? (And just for this topic) what is the point of being thwarted by things beyond my control from seeing my boyfriend? Would that really upset the balance of the universe if I actually got to see him, for once? Am I not allowed to have this simple pleasure of a companion close by for more than a finite period of time? What's the fucking point of this set-up?! I think after PBS, I am going to Valley Fair to buy myself something useless and fun as some sort of a substitute for the companionship I won't be receiving for another 3 months maybe (could be spring break, could be when he finally drives his ass out here. If he doesn't graduate, who knows? 3 months! That means I'm not even 1/2 way through this shit). And just because my mom pissed me off, I think I'll put it on my credit card. :twisted: Current Mood:  Miserable
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| 1 Comments |
| Finally, some things go right. |
| 09.17.04 (11:22 am) [edit] |
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Well, let's see. At PBS, camera 1 has got to be the most job at the station. There are 4 cameras. Camera 4 gets to shoot one of 2 auctioneers at a table (one of whom once was the head of the hospitality mgmt dept that gave me 3 units for working my ass off in Disney World). Cameras 2 and 3 show things that people can bid on on tables (if they are physical items vs. services; they had some big-ass wine bottles last night about 3' tall!) and shots of the people answering phones and taking bids. (Actually, there weren't too many people there last night and even though 100% of them didn't seem busy most of the time, they still want people there so that the lucky cameras 2 &3 don't keep looking at the same people. So anyone who wants to be on TV, and watch the Raiderettes and the 49'er Gold Rush Girls go on down to KTEH on the other side of 101). And camera 1, I get the least to do. I focus on the guy or chick who is talking about what the current bids are, and talking about the station, and how the winning bidder has to pick up, or arrange for the item to be shipped within 24. The same damn medium shot of either one of 2 damn people. The director felt sorry for me and she let me do slow zooms in the guy just to make it interesting. In fact, there is so little to do in my position that there wasn't someone signed up for camera 1 second shift last night that I was told to just leave the camera right where it was and leave. The most exciting thing that happened was this cheif guy came in to do a cooking demonstration with fish (it smelled really good) and I got to do some filming on him. I think I really like being on the floor though (that is, not in the place with all the buttons and consoles and screens, the place that has the cameras and the people yakking). That way, on the headphones, you can hear the jokes and comments that people are saying in the control room, without having to do anything too stressful. What else? Oh, I think I hit a squirrel on the way to PBS! I saw a very panicked (living) squirrel in the middle of the road in my lane. And I kinda sorta tried to go around it. I felt the front of my car hit something rather hard, but not too hard... I didn't return to the scene of the (possible) crime. That squirrel had it coming; he had a death wish. I might have felt worse about it if he was wearing a turquoise aviator helmet though...  (I hate the computers in the library! You can't right click on anything, you have to use Internet Explorer, complete with pop-ups, you can only use them for a period of time that I don't understand. The computer says it's available until 5:55, yet you get about an hour and 45 minutes on them).:? One of these days, I have to send the principal of Parkview the flier for the art class. It's been challenging not having a computer and everything, you know. But I do have good news on my computer (good in the long run, not good now). My dad convinced a guy at the IBM help desk to fix the computer for free, since when the CD Rom broke the second time it was still under warranty and there are still some little quirky things about it like the battery only lasts 5 minutes, the hinges are loose. So it's going to be sent in tomorrow in a box and get all those things taken care of and sent back to be as good as new (it practically will be new, since none of my documents and software is on it). So that is something that has gone right. :) I got Jeremy's anniversary present yesterday. (And my TV Production textbook, yay). It was so sweet. A bunch of silk roses in a glass. So that is what was in the 2 packages I received.  I have figured out that not living with Jeremy in 2005 might not be so bad. It could be just like living in Vista Way, and I could still be milking my So that's something that, if everything stays on track, will go alright.8) My mom pretty much told me to go ahead and start booking tickets and stuff to go to Kentucky over Thanksgiving. (My dad will have to deal with it). So I've got to get on that, I suppose. I found out that the apartments across from campus could be within my price range. If I could live there, that would be great. I would live closer to my RTVF classes (but further from my art ones). So, I finally figured out when one of those pesky animation advisors is actually in their office hours, and got enough cajones to talk to one of them. We talked to them about next semester. I found out the portfolio review (for me) actually will happen in Fall 2005, not spring (my point of confusion, means nothing about the length of time in which I will graduate). However, she did have something very interesting to say. "Nearly everyone passes the portfolio review.":shock: Are you fucking kidding me?! The head of the art dept is saying only 25 people per semester get accepted (which I believe) and driving me nuts, and forcing me to completely reevaluate everything, go back to counseling to figure things out, making me (more) moody, frustrated and depressed for nothing. I feel like saying to him, "Why do you insist on making things seem so difficult and bleak?" I hate it when people upset me for nothing.:roll: At the same time I feel more pleasant than I would have not knowing this.:) This is just the perfect example of the kind of neurotical moron I can be. (It's getting hungry in here). Now, I just have to figure out this damn career thing. Which is another challenge that I can deal with a little better now. One thing I will do, when I go home next week, I'm going to Sac State to see if it's not too late for summer school, and try and take care of some stuff there. Like maybe some less-interactive, but necessary classes, like art history, or one of those annoying upper division writing things (in my case, I think I have to take 2 if I am going to double major, one to learn about writing theater stuff and one to learn about writing art stuff). But, that means now I have to make an appt with one of those advisors at student services. I  student services. No really, I do.Crap. I need to eat something and go to the gym. I think I am going to start to do some muscle training. One of these days I need to run some errands. I haven't been to Target in a whole week and a half! Maybe tomorrow night I'll do that since I will only be at PBS until 5. Current Mood:  Hungry and more relaxed
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| 1 Comments |
| Another reason to hate the dorms |
| 09.16.04 (11:47 am) [edit] |
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Is it 2:00 yet? Make the damn mailroom be open! I got another slip for a package, and a thing for an oversized envelope. I figured the package was the other of the 2 textbooks I ordered, and the oversized envelope was a card from Jeremy. Instead, the oversized envelope was the drawing textbook, and because it was 7:00 by this time, I have no idea what the other package is. Now I am intregued... So first, small talk about my day yesterday: Dad took me out, got me chocolate cheesecake at Marie Calendar's, made me feel guilty since I didn't work out at all yesterday, he took my computer to be fixed, I talked to Jeremy. Probably won't work out again tonight either, doing PBS. OK, now for the reason for the subject: Yes, I believe I have mentioned this before, but only in passing. I woke up at 4fucking30 in the morning to the sound of the fire alarms (evidentally, there is a 4:30 in the morning now). So, I had to walk all 12 floors down to 8th Street (where sprinklers were going off) where we all sat and waited for the fire trucks to come and let us back inside. It 5:30 when we finally got to back in. Just anonther thing to strengthen my case about hating it in those fucking dorms and wanthing to get out. At least we can be sure no one was caught or trapped in their rooms or burnt to death because they had a poster on either side of their door. Thank god! Speaking of things that suck ass, my dad took my computer to be blown up/reformatted. This would be good news (I backed everything up already) except the fuckheads at IBM decided that my computer would not be allowed to have an internal CD Rom drive that works. (I say this was a calculated descision, because when it broke under warranty the first time, I sent it to be fixed and it worked for about 2 weeks before fucking up again). Instead of an internal CD Rom drive, I have been using the HP CD Reader/Writer. However, the software that makes it work (because nothing can just be plugged in and work, it has to have disk-consuming software to go with it) was installed during that short period of time that the internal Rom actually worked. So of course, when the disk was reformatted, that software vanished. Of course, you can download it off the internet. However, I have never had any success with HP Software you can download off the internet. What does that mean? It means all my computer is now good for is internet. If I want to do any sort of advanced Word Processing beyond the basic thing that Windows comes with (which doesn't even have a fucking spell checker in it), I can't do it. I am supposed to make a flier for the class I want to do at Parkview, can't do it. I use a spreadsheet to put my weekly calendar in, can't do it. I used to use Adobe Photoshop for morons, can't do it. The Map software I use all the time, way better than Mapquest (I look at the directions from Mapquest and am like...um...'scuse me?) I told him that would happen. At least if you are negative, when bad things happen, you are not surprised, and you at least have the satisfaction of saying, "I told you so." My computer is a piece of shit. (Right now, I am at the computer lab at the library at school, which sucks). My life is shit. It seems like nothing is going right. I just want one thing to right. One visible thing. And I am not talking about some little chocolate chip cookie or cigarette butt. I want one big thing to happen that is good. I had a conversation with my mom. A good conversation. But it was half comforting and half just added to the stress. But she didn't do the things I oft bitch about her about. I want some concrete evidence that everything will work out. I don't know what that would look like, if that is the voice of god, if that is Orlando Bloom coming to me in a dream and telling me so (I think i dreamt that he was my boyfriend last night...it was a very good dream), is that a palm reader telling me? I don't know. Did you ever wish you could have the Cliff Notes to your life? So that maybe you don't get all the details about what happens, but it summarizes each chapter, and talks about important themes and things to look at. My mother pointed out how impatient I was. The fact that she did is not important really. We both know it. But if I could just see those things, and how they work out, if they work out, when they work out, then I wouldn't have to keep being frustrated. I will know everything and it will be good. Well, I'll have a lot to talk about in counseling. Evidentally, I only have 5:00 left on this computer that is crap and not mine Current Mood: |
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Depressed| Housing Services Suck! |
| 09.15.04 (11:03 am) [edit] |
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You know another thing I love about living on campus? No one can seem to work for more than a few hours at a time! The collection room is open at 10:15 (of all stupid times) the dimwits work for a whole hour and 45 minutes, and decide they need to take an hour and 15 minute lunch. For 7 hours of real work in Florida, (not sitting behind a desk and pecking at a computer) I think I got a 45 minute break. Maybe it was an hour, but nevertheless. Then, there is the fucking mailroom. Aside from the fact that my packages have probably been sitting there for about 2 weeks, because they left a message on my phone to tell me they were there, of course, if you have no way of accessing your dorm phone voicemail, because you opt not to pay for the service when you and your extended family has a cell phone, you don't know that. So, it's 12:15, maybe no one is there to take my late rent check, but I would think someone would be there for mail service...silly me. They don't open till 2 and they close at 6. I want to live in a place where I can get my packages as soon as they arrive, but at my convinience, and I want to be able to pay my rent check whenever the fuck I want. I hate this place. Thinking about that supposed honors coed frat thing (I'll bet everyone who is a junior or better got one of those. More disturbingly, how did they know my academic standing?). I actually have considered going. But then it's like, "If I don't like making meaningless small talk with strangers and I feel alone in crowds, why would I join an organization to purposely make myself feel alienated?" So it probably won't happen. My dad is coming to fix my computer, which I have mixed feelings about. Why all of a sudden it's a priority for him, I don't understand. Why he has to do it in the middle of my day, I don't understand either. I won't have internet access until i can get the computer girl to come in here and fix my computer again. Current Mood: Tired
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| 2 Comments |
| blah |
| 09.14.04 (9:27 pm) [edit] |
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Yes, I went a little crazy over a ginger root drawing...sort of. There are a lot of deeper things going on. However, I did get very flustered drawing that stupid thing. I started it Sunday night, it was supposed to be a 3 hour drawing. 4 hours later (with Moose and Squirrel), my headached and I wanted to throw it against teh wall and reduce it to a spicy little juicy pulp. So I had to do in on my 3 hour break between classes. I just looked at the drawing and couldn't believe how crappy it was. For some reason, it looked better when I hung it up in class. For once, I truly believe I am not the worst artist in the class. (I have believed that I was maybe the second worst in my last drawing class). The instructor didn't get to grade the homework, so we had to give it to her to turn in. And she saw me turn in my drawing, and told me, "Oh, I didn't know that was yours. Very nice." I have come to appreciate (and I think I have quoted this before) that Dennis Leary was right when he said Pleasure comes in small doses; it's a cigarette, a chocolate chip cookie, a five second orgasm. You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up, you go to fucking work. End of story, okay!!! I look at my 3.67 GPA on the internet, (incidentally, I got a postcard in my mailbox inviting me to join an honors coed fraternity), a teacher compliments my work, and suddenly somehow I find myself back frustrated and depressed. What else? Why can't I bring myself to work out for a full 2 hours? Back in October 2002, I could do it. There were also some days I couldn't walk, but that's beside the point. I got bored and my knee started hurting. Plus I thought Jeremy would want to call, I had homework, and I had too many damn excuses! I need to start eating less. I feel like I eat a lot of stuff now. I wish i had a fridge that held a milk that would last me more than 5 days. I wish there was juice in my fridge. I don't know why, but lately juice sounds good. I also wish they had other diet drinks other than Diet Coke/Pepsi at soda fountains. If you dislike cola, it's either sugary soda or water. They switched the schedule around in TV Production. That means that according to the chart, I did a bunch of jobs last week, (most of them camera related, like I haven't/won't have my fill of that by the end of this week) when really all I did was sit on my ass. Not only that, but I have to direct next week, dammit. Today was awful. I totally fucked up on the first take, was good enough on the second take, fucked up on the third. I hated myself. I felt like an idiot. Did the bio lab thing. I feel so old in some of these classes. I'm taking US History, and the teacher is talking to the class like it's mostly freshmen...which it probably is... (I know at least one other person in the class isn't a freshman). Shit. This is what I mean. I have taken 18 units a semester almost every semester since I started college. Yet I still am doing GE, and am nowhere near graduating. At least I only have upper division GE after this year. Perfect. Pile another fucking class of useless information for this fucking well-rounded education. I have decided not to take this moment to get pissy about my dad making me go to a 4 year accredited university when I never wanted to go to college in the first place, and really wanted to go to art college. Shit. 2 quizzes tomorrow. Hot damn. Current Mood: Blaaah.What's on: Will and Grace - Ben? Her? |
| 1 Comments |
| AAACK! |
| 09.13.04 (11:03 am) [edit] |
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OH MY GOD!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I HATE THIS STUPID DRAWING!!! I HATE GINGER ROOTS!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I HATE THE WAY I LOOK!! I HATE WHERE I AM!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! ALMOST NOTHING IS GOOD!! EVERYTHING SUCKS!! I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE! Stress begets stress. As soon as I start thinking about one path, everything bad about it comes up. I fucked no matter what i do. "Live everyday like it's your last" Perfect. Fuck college. Fuck a meaningful life. Fuck responsibility. Fuck a good career. Fuck trying to look good and be healthy. Fuck trying to cultivate any miniscule talent I do have... I'm going to Disneyland to ride all the rides and eat fudge, churros, mint juleps, popcorn, and ice cream sundaes!! Yeah, right. What fuckhead thinks up this optimistic shit? "Don't postpone joy!" Would like to go out and try and be joyful but I have to read this megafun biology book first! Next chapter, figuring out where I screwed up Current mood:  frustrated
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| 3 Comments |
| stuff |
| 09.12.04 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
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Everything seems to suck right now!:evi: Current mood:  FrustratedWhat's on: Got Me Under Pressure - ZZ Top |
| 1 Comments |
| Yesterday (really, this time) |
| 09.12.04 (12:27 pm) [edit] |
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OK, Yeah. Didn't get back to sleep, but I do feel a little more refreshed now. So, night before, I dreamed that I was the devil's daughter. My mom and dad were sitting me down to tell me this, but my dad was doing all the talking. He told me that while he was my father, (I don't know what my waking mom was), but I was tolg that I was the daughter of the devil. I got angry at him, not screaming, but cussing. I said, "Oh, that's just great! Thanks a lot! Fuck you, man!" I think I have a pretty good idea what this is about. I have replayed a senario in my mind where I tell my dad "Fuck you," it's right about as he's telling me he won't pay for college unless I get married. As I am walking out the door with Jeremy to eloupe to Reno, I say that to him. I have recently noticed how religious he actually is. So, yesterday, I walked to Starbucks, looked at tempera paint at the art store, looked for a movie that I might want to watch at Blockbuster (found nothing). Then I went to KTEH and arrived at 1. According to the technical volunteer organizer, she sent an email to everyone at midnight saying if you were scheduled to come at 1, come at 3 instead. (I have yet to see this supposed e-mail). So I had to make myself disappear for a little less than 2 hours. I decided to take an imaginary trip to Eastridge Mall. First, I imagined that Eastridge Mall (before it was bought out by the Westfield Mall Monopoly, overhauled, and temporarily reduced to maybe, 20 stores) didn't suck. On the way, I imagined I knew where the hell I was going. Then I went to JCPenny's where I was handed a chocolate bar wrapped in a 40% off coupon. I looked around the store and imagined that there was something I wanted even if just for the discount. I looked at cute underwear. I imagined they came in a size bigger than 8. I went into Spencer Gifts. I imagined I would actually buy something in there. (Although for $20 I did almost buy a pink neon light that looked like the mudflap girl). I went to Victoria Secret. First, I imagined that any article in there would fit me. Then, I imagined that even if I had something sheer/lacy/pretty that someone would get to see me in it anytime soon. (It is an enigma that women buy clothing that was meant to be taken off, and sometimes it seems the less there is to it, the more expensive it is). I went to Macy's, up to the Cellar (go figure!) and I looked at the Fiestaware I want to have someday.   I imagined I had a real apartment or house that I could put it in and use it. (They didn't have the "shamrock" colored ones) Then, I went to Payless Shoes. When I got there, I had to imagine they had more than 5 pairs of size-11 shoes. What I had anticipating having to imagine there is that anyone of them were actually cute, or that any slightly-feminine person would want to wear. I walked past Cinnabon. I imagined that I didn't have a Starbucks earlier, that I actually could have one of those. I tried to go to the bathroom. I imagined it wasn't closed. I went back to JCPenny's to look at their shoes. I imagined they didn't stop at size 8. Then I tried to imagine I wasn't depressed about being big-footed, alone, and big. What did I So I went back to PBS. And the coordinator who asked me to come in earlier said she still had me scheduled for 5-11:30. Because there was still no one to do Camera 1 for the first shift, and she found someone to do it later, I got to do it then. I think the time went by fast. Unfortunately, I think I had the most boring camera position. All I got to do was focus on the host. The other cameras got to look at the kids answering the phone (Gunderson High School students) and the stuff that was being auctioned off. After that, I went back to my room, got Andrea's boyfriend's sweat pants, and met her. We went to Chili's in Santana Row. We decided to walk around the area a little bit, especially since I never really have before. I told Andrea about my imaginary trip to the mall. She thought that sounded like fun so we went.  (It looked nothing like this when we went. It was darker and many more people). It is a bunch of uppity stores, many of which have less than 100 items on display, all costing a buttloada money. Which begs the question, how do they stay in business? There was one store I wanted to go to that I saw in a magazine called Hipwear. They were advertising sexy Halloween costumes in the ad. The store was like Fredricks of Hollywood but more expensive (they have men's underwear at Fredricks! Like any straight man would buy underwear there! And thank god!). All the costumes were slutty costumes in bags (I don't much care for costumes in bags). Some of them were removed from the bag and hung up. They looked like they were really cheap. If I wanted to make myself look cheap, I would not want to be wearing clothes that look cheap (Dig?) We walked around the stores and fancy restaurants. It was pretty boring and lame. It seemed like it would be more appropriate in Granite Bay than San Jose. Point me in the direction of a Target! The only relatively good place we went was Urban Outfitters. I often find that I seem to like the shirts available to the boys better than the girls. Looked at a lot of the books upstairs. I didn't but anything. Everything was in that old 70's style that's really popular right now. Saw this one on the store's website:  (Except there is too much cowboy stuff in it. Texas is not The South. It's not the Southwest either. Texas is just kind of a juggernaut wedged in the middle of the country). This one is good too. This would be another one my parents would love:  Andrea and I went back to her apartment, we drank. I had about 2 more beers than she did; I was a little buzzed, but she was falling down drunk. We watched Just Married. It was dumb. Ashton Kutcher is a relatively skinny guy who looks like he's wearing make-up. I guess it's just him. The most disturbing thing about that movie is they only had sex before they were married. I think I commented more and stuff to Andrea. I was disinterested by the end. Then we watched Teen Girl Squads and the Trogdor Strong Bad e-mail... Burninating all the thatched-roof cottaaaaaaaages! Then Andrea's boyfriend (who came over after the movie and the Homestar Runner's) drove me home. When I got back up to my room, I talked to my neighbor across the hall, Eric. I found out he likes to go bike riding. He doesn't have a car. I told him not only did I have a car, I have a bicycle, and a bike rack, and maybe somedays we could riding somewhere that isn't Caesar Chavez park. So that will be fun. Then I tried to update my journal. But I was so tired (and a little buzzed) that I couldn't focus to well. And I woke up this morning, drank a bunch of water. Slept of the rest of my wooziness, and awoke at 11:00 having dreamed about the Urban Outfitters store. And now, since I haven't gone in 2 days, and I've wasted all this time writing, I really need to go to the gym. I need to draw one of these things for homework tonight.  Current Mood: Meh
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| yesterday... |
| 09.12.04 (9:28 am) [edit] |
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I didn't think the entry I made went through. At 2:30 when I wrote the enty, I was so tired and a little buzzed. I only wrote about one thing that happened yesterday and actually a lot happened. (I even used the Backspace button many times, just for you, Jeremy). I forgot to click on Publish which I didn't realize until I was shutting down my computer. (Of course, that was one of the few times lately that my computer shutdown without any problems what-so-ever). Aaaand, I think I'll write more about yesterday later. Until then, I'm still a little tired... |
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| One year ago... |
| 09.10.04 (10:22 pm) [edit] |
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(Fucking Firefox, shutting down on me when I was 1/2 way through my entry. At least it's more functional than Internet Explorer. Except I've noticed that the lovely SJSU Peoplesoft Website doesn't like that browser). Anyway, one year ago today, I officially met Jeremy. Our lives completely changed with 3 words, "Hey, you're cute!" Since then, almost everything has been better, I feel a little more positive. Not only is Jeremy cute, he's sweet, he's always respected me, and he loves me just the way I am. I feel so thankful for him. I consider him (true) my best friend. I usually give Kelly that title, but I really think of him as my best friend. I miss him so much. In some ways, doing Disney World seems like 10 years ago, in some ways, it seems like 2 weeks. Speaking of which, we did a little exercise in my TV Crit class where we all had to write a practice TV show pitch for the teacher and she would say what a TV Bigman might say. I told her my idea for the 1-hour teen drama show called Theme Parks set in a beautiful location (FL) with a bunch of beautiful (and oft scantily clad) 18-25 year olds living in an apartment complex together and working in the nearby major family vacation destination, and how there is so much potential for drama between the people as apartment residents, the parties/things that happen there, the drama between employees, the drama between customers, the drama when things break in the park, and a bit of humor about the "behind-the-scenes" and stupidity of the customers. The professor's response: Intense drama is good, it appeals to a good demographic, people are hot young and beautiful, and, as vertically integrated entertainment company, it would allow to play the latest records as background music. Yay. Jeremy received the collage poster I made for him (remember the aforementioned nondescript collage? It was a picture of things we've seen/done in the last year and things taht remind us of each other). I sent it to his aunt and she helped me frame it down there. She gave it to him today as an anniversary present. He said he really liked it. I wish I could have given it to him personally. There are a couple of things that have arisen from this issue. (Not issue so much...). My mom and his mom seem to have an unusual amount in common. One of these things is a focus more on (My mother also took this moment to point out how unromantic I was by not being completely impressed with shiny/pretty-smelling objects. I am pretty sure Kelly is impressed with stuff. I'm pretty sure she's manipulated/whipped her boyfriend enough to get it out of him too. Especially with the whole, "You don't have a promise ring, tell him to get you one" conversation). I did the collage thing because I am like the scorpion who asked the swan for a ride across the river, and after convincing the swan he wouldn't sting him did anyway, and when the swan asked why he did that, he said, "I can't help it, it's what I do." That's what I do, I like to make things for people, or at least buy them gifts they didn't know/forgot they wanted. I like to give gifts that surprise people. Unfortunately, (or ironically, depending on your point of view), the ways I usually like to best be shown love cannot be done over the phone or through the mail. That is not to say that I wouldn't appreciate the occassion being commemorated in the form of a gift/card. But it's not a priority either. But I would feel bad if Jeremy felt reactionary to my gift or if he spent a lot of money. If he insists on getting me anything, I wish it to be something he thinks is special or somehow he thinks is something that reminds me of him. I would also feel guilty if he spent a lot of money on me or felt he had to. If he couldn't think of anything to yield to the occassion, well, c'est le vie. What else? I had my meeting with Parkview Elementary Principal Topf (pronounced Toff). He's very enthusiastic about the idea of an after school art program, he liked my purposal (which I had to completely redo because my computer has decided that the only programs that are going to work on my computer are the internet, sometimes, my reminder program, and the basic word processor that Windows comes with, not anything marked Microsoft or Lotus, POS computer) and is anxious to get it underway. The next thing I have to do is make a flier, (which will be slightly more difficult since none of my picture or word processing programs want to work) to be sent out. Hopefully, the program will get going on Thursday, October 12th. So that's exciting. I signed up to work for more time at the Walk-a-thon, Friday night set-up and Saturday afternoon clean-up. I figured on Friday, hell. I'll probably be in Mrs. Reed's class anyway. And I have no life! What else am I going to do? Pretend I have somewhere to go and go to Bed Bath and Beyond and pretend I have a place to put all that stuff, or the party store and either look for funky room decorations, or a missing piece to my Halloween costume (one of those little 1/2 June Clever aprons. Any leads, anyone?) or go to Barnes and Noble and look at all the books, wish you had the money/time/effort (to find in the library, if available) all of them. But instead, leave with nothing (yeah, that was my afternoon, after leaving Parkview at 3:30). Why is it that when you think you might want a Starbucks there are none anywhere, but in some corners of the universe it seems like there is a dense overpopulation of them? I got groceries today. I went for Milk. I ended up with $30 of stuff. I think I am going to write an irate letter to the SJSU parking services saying I don't like their new policy on 8th street (fucking campus). Jeremy and I talked for a good long time tonight. The whole reason I didn't volunteer at KTEH was so that I could talk to him on this momentous night. But my shift got shifted tomorrow.--I wrote about all that already. My mom wants me to take pictures so that she can scrapbook it. (How about catching up on that missing 12 years of my life, or even just the last 2?). I felt so young being a camera person there. If anyone is my age, they've graduated on to the more advanced positions. All the camera people are ladies 50+. I don't know if I will. I feel really lame about doing it, "Would you take my picture?" "Lookit me! I'm a big girl at a big girl camera, on a big girl TV station! Hi, mommy!" Oh! I went to the Hallmark store by Albertson's on capital. They have Anna Lee Dolls there now (more a reminder for me than anyone else). Man, I'm tired! How stupid am I? I made out a check to Jeremy's aunt, stuffed it, addressed it, sealed it. I know I passed 2+ mailboxes today, and I still forgot the damn thing. Falling asleep now. Current Mood: Tired as hell.
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| Top 13 |
| 09.09.04 (2:54 pm) [edit] |
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Top 13 Reasons why the Dorms Suck Ass: 13. I feel old here... 12. People do not know how to read when the elevator is going up or down. 11. For some reason, it has been found that having things on or attached to our door is a fire hazard, therefore, no posters/signs anything like that on our doors. 10. Fire drills/Hall Meetings 9. You have to wear shoes in the shower. 8. The elevators are suh-looow, and like to park themselves on the 2nd level. 7. The weekend parking priveldges for on-campus students was recently revoked. 6. Don't expect to fit anything in your freezer, not even pint of Ben & Jerry's (or the like) will fit in there without being turned on its side, squished, and subsequently melting all over anyway 5. You cannot do any real cooking, or, in some cases, reheating, especially if the process needs to include an oven. 4. If you want to receive a package here, forget about ever actually receiving it in any resonable amount of time. 3. Going in and out of the building is totally inconvinient, thanks to the construction on what will be no doubt later referred to as, "The Good Dorms" 2. To go to the bathroom, shower, or obtain any sort of running water, one must be decent, and shoed. 1. They are hot as shit For awhile there, I was wondering if I was going to be able to come up with a whole 10, but I came up with 13, all very valid. I wonder if I will even make it through this semester let alone this year. Next year, apartment time. I'm starting to feel bad that my dad and I didn't get that apartment after all. I had my counseling session today. It was with a cute Chinese lady. She thought it was good that I opted to go to counseling. She seems like she will be a good one. My last one kept focusing on how once I mentioned I wish I had more friends and how I should focus intently on making one or 2 specific people i mentioned my best buds. (Buuuut... I wanna talk about other stuff too...) Started reading Introvert Advantage. Thus far, it's much better than that crappy book I was reading before. What I like about this one is it doesn't tell me that I need to be different. But it also hasn't told me a whole lot of anything else yet either tho. But it's interesting. A piña colada right now. That sounds yummilicious! (I had a bunch of stuff in here about lunches and gyms) Tomorrow I have my meeting with the principal of Parkview about an art program. He said they paid one girl $20 an hour to do acting with the kids there. On the one hand, schools have no money, I don't expect any. On the other hand, well, it's money! I don't care that much. Jeremy can't understand why I would do work that I am not being paid for. What do I want for dinner? Do I want to go now, or wait till after Simpsons? Current mood:   Hot & Hungry
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| 4 Comments |
| Make it be November! |
| 09.08.04 (9:42 pm) [edit] |
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Well let's see... Nothing new. I feel very negative lately, and I can't figure out why. Everything seems to be rubbing me the wrong way. Perhaps counseling will help me sort it out. I wonder sometimes if that is a good idea. I often feel depressed before I go, get the appointment, and debate if I should have done it, go, and beniefit. I wish the counselor I had the second time was still there. I figured out the best comparison to that book I was reading (which has been reviewed for a full 5 stars on Amazon by 1 person). It's like a quiz in a Seventeen/YM/P,B&A (Pretty, Blonde, & Annorexic) Magazine, one of those ones where they guilt-trip you into being too bitchy, depressive, optimistic, cunning, comprimising, slutty, addictive, dramatic, or any other quality that would make one unique, or to the opposite extreme of anything else you can thing of. I got the feeling it was underhandedly trying to tell me that I was wrong and that I need to be some sort of overly-optimistic podperson. From the book Exercise #4: Pick 3 or 4 words to describe animals (in general, not like "Zebra" or "Cat") My response: Furry, Sharp-toothed, long-tailed According to this book, if you are playing along at home, this is how other people see you. Soooo...people see me as a furry person with a long tail and sharp teeth...? Why hasn't anyone told me this up till now? Anyway, the book is full of crap. Next stop, Introvert Advantage or Thirty Frames Per Second. Thank God! By Sunday it's supposed to get down into the high 70's! Halleluah! We may even see rain! (Just so long as it doesn't rain October 9th, the day of the walk-a-thon at Parkview). Oh, I do have some good news! Mikey (finally) passed his strip (permit) test today! He was so excited. He's taken it about 4 or 5 times. I'm so happy for him. "It's a step towards being independent," he told me on the phone, enthralled. Did the Bio Lab thing today. It was boring. Had fully planned on going to the gym, was fully dressed to go to the gym, before going out, checked my voice mail, Jeremy called. Instead of going to the gym, talked to Jeremy for an hour and a half, (Mike called with his news somewhere in there). I'm getting sick of the gym. Why can't a gym be open till like midnight on a regular night, and be open past 4:00 Friday-Sunday? (On the one hand, you get what you pay for, on the other hand, my tuition is supposed to be covering this, and if they can afford to rip the hell out of our campus making everything completely inconvinient, they can keep the gym open an extra 2 hours). Fucking campus. I feel fat. I desparately need to go to the gym and eat less. I had a quesidilla today. I felt guilty about it later, mostly because I forgot how uninspired they are here, not like in a real restaurant (of course, according to my dad, that is a restaurant). I'm such a cow! I wish they still had the sandwich counter in that SU instead of Subway, if I want a sandwich now, I have to wait in a big ol' line. Rarely did I have to wait in a line at the old place. Plus then I could get avocado. I need more milk. My chair is itchy. Current Mood:  Gross and Sweaty.What's on: Will and Grace - Star-Spangled Banter |
| 4 Comments |
| Warm |
| 09.07.04 (7:47 pm) [edit] |
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Let's see, what do I want to say here? Monday I went to Tapestry in Talent for the 3rd day. I got a hot dog, a big ol' cup of shaved ice, and a fresh bag of kettle corn. I bought a big easel at Michael's to put Jeremy on, but I either can't figure out the middle part, or the bolt that is supposed to go in there isn't long enough (most likely the former), either way, at the next available opportunity, I am buying a new bolt from a hardware store (Wow. It's been days since I've been to Home Depot). Tried to get the popcorn art model together. The thing about popcorn is, if you spray it with aersol, it kinda starts to go all over the place. Plus the polyeruthane didn't quite work out, if my dad would just quit hoarding his digital camera from me, I could just take a picture and look at it like that. What else? Still miserable in here. Wonder if Jeremy will call back. Got trained on cameras tonight. There are more times than the 3 that I volunteered for. I hesitate because I may not even like it. Before I go signing every night in 2 weeks away, I should be sure i like it. I signed up for 6 hour shifts. I found out that doesn't mean standing behind a camera for 6 whole hours. That means one hour on, one hour break (thank God! Not that I haven't stood for almost 6 hours before, ie WDW). Found out in my TV Production class that I don't have to do technical director for a long time (that was the most nerve-wracking job for me), and I am the last person to direct. We will eventually have to do a commercial? The question is do I want to go strange (a PSA about something riduculous in the vein of Monty Python) bad (a recruiting campaign for the Communist Party) or horrible (a commercial for a whore house). What is a good ol' Communist song? I've got some time to work it out. (Join the Revolution! Sex and drugs are so overdone in college projects. When was the last time anyone ever touched on the subject of Communism?) Anything else I want to say? My head feels light. Better finish my art homework now so that I can spend all of the break between the classes in the bio lab if necessary. Oh, I thought of something! I got a counseling session for Thursday. I don't know how many days I'll go. As soon as I made the appt, I thought, "Why am I doing this? Is this really necessary?" But I've got such a freakin' carnival going on in my head lately I need someone to help me sort it out and help me figure out how I am going figure out what I am going to do with my life. How I am going to get there is another issue. If I "Begin with an end in mind" (as is one of the 7 Habbits of Highly Effective People), what is that end? Speaking of crappy self-help books, don't read-- Nevermind. I am embarassed for myself to say I was reading a book even titled what this one was. Obviously, I tried the open-mind thing for awhile. But when it started saying, There are no wrong answers it failed to directly say, in print, There are no right answers, either. I don't need someone making me believe that what I think is wrong. Also, it poses the idea that "If you criticize someone's behavior, you yourself posess the same negative characteristic."  That doesn't make any sense to me. If you criticize (what you perceive as) a negative quality, wouldn't that most likely be because you have the opposite quality? Anyway, at least that is one library book that won't be overdue, don't know if can say the same for the other 14 books. Blaaaah. Better get back to drawing. Current Mood:  Dyin'!
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| Hot as hell! |
| 09.07.04 (7:39 am) [edit] |
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OMG! This is truly the last year I am living in these stupid dorms! Last night, I slept naked, with no covers, and a fan on and I woke up at 4:30 feeling hot and gross. My mom gave me a box with some Kit Kats and Reese's in it, I was going to have one last night, but I had to stick the whole box in my already-very crowded (mostly with a shitload of grapes), itsy-bitsy, dorm fridge. Damn. Make it be not 101 as the marquee outside the Rep indicated yesterday! I finally got my window open (I say finally because I have sliding windows on one frame for some reason, and the last of the 3 was the most difficult and I finally got it this morning. I know I'll be wanting the sunshine and pool whether when it gets to be about Februrary. However, by then, I'll know it's a few more months until when it actually does get unbearably warm (as it does not so much in May; I never remember feeling like this except when I was sick) and by then, I'll be home to my air conditioned house and swimming pool. Current Mood: Annoyed and hot
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| Holy Crap! |
| 09.05.04 (9:33 pm) [edit] |
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Yes, that is what I said out loud just a moment ago. Whilst trying to bring some organization into my life, I found all the old papers from last semester. Not feeling comfortable about throwing them away without knowing that I would need them as evidence for some outrageous error in grading, I forced myself to look at my grades from last semester. Nearly anyone who knows me, knows I have a crippling fear of grade-viewing. But I made myself do it anyway.:? The official grading ruling of last semester: 3.671; of the 8 classes (plus one C/NC) I got A's in all but 2, one of them being make-up, which I felt was the most challenging. I think-- no, I know that is the best semester I have ever had.:D Well, I'll be sleeping nice tonight; no crying. (Not that I thought I was going to anyway). People complain about me being negative, but when you brace yourself for the worst, (not that I was truly expecting anything horribly detrimental to my GPA) when things go good or great, then the joy is even greater. I have found out that there is a reason-- maybe not a reason so much as personality trait, that causes that protective attitude from a book I've sorta been reading. But you all don't care about that. Guess I can get rid of all those green sheets and assignments now. (I wasn't going to write this until tomorrow, you know, since this is the 4th update today, however) I forgot how funny Moose and Squirrel is! I love all the interactions between the characters and the narrator. Hee hee! A guy on a wanted poster in Mexico: Juaquin Behindu That's why I love that show! My mom is well-intended, but I'm not sure she thinks all the time. She brought me about 2 pounds of grapes that were very dirty, and "a little old" (some of them had to be...put out of their misery). Why would she give me 2 lbs of grapes that are likely to go bad before I can finish them? Whatever. Yay! Current Mood:   Shocked and Extatic
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| Tapestry in Talent, part 2 |
| 09.05.04 (5:07 pm) [edit] |
After the gym incident, or lack there of, I walked over to Tapestry in Talent. While there, I bought some pillows where they have all the home crap (portable hot tubs, people demonstrating kitchen gadgets while wearing headsets) at my parent's request. My mom admired these little clay castle things that when you put a votive in them light up. She didn't buy it, so I did today. It will be saved. I didn't get anything for myself this time. But I bought a lot of food; teriyaki chicken stick, frozen blended fruity layered drinks (be interesting to see how a shot of vodka takes to them) fresh squeezed lemonade that was wonderful and the aforementioned lumpia (10 lumpia is about 4 too many, even though they were really good). Some of the vendors there are just artists displaying their work. I talked to one of them last year, I spoke to Nelson De La Nuez about his work. He does kinda collagey stuff like this:  My dad hated this one, which is why I like it:  It's called Jesus Saves Anyway, this other guy at Tapestry is very cool. It has fantasy scenes (but not fairytale fantasy) things like a scene that looks like could have inspired Lion King except for an almost-invisible open door with a peek of a skyline out side of it titled, "It's a jungle out there" Las Vegas, savaged by a glacier, or the dome thingy outside the Palace of Fine Arts/Exploratorium mostly submerged as sea lions play beneath it. There was another one with a Thomas Kincade-like house but with a slightly mangled iron gate and a shadowed figure standing at it. I found the artist and told him, "His work is like Thomas Kincade's but with soul." (Dammit, if Kincade isn't a fine painter, but really, he's just trying to turn a buck and is somehow managing to get away with selling nothing but pretty pictures; old ladies like him, hopefully, people with sense can see through him. It is probably possible to make money without losing yourself; or maybe it's about establishing sort of cult following). Anyway, The artist smiled and appreciated this compliment. So this was my inspiration of the day, to paint a sort of "Whadif" kinda thing. Right now though, I've got nothing. My latest inspiration comes from this sticker from the feminist group, (esp speaking out against sexism in the arts) Guerilla girls:  (They seem to have said some things that are synonomous, but left out others; they forgot hippy chick, earth mother, cheerleader, farm girl, soul sister, dominatrix, etc). I want to do something with dressing up like all these things or more and doing small paintings of the photograph of them. Tomorrow when I go back again to Tapestry in Talent, more food, and donations to the Veterans for Peace to get anti-war buttons. Simpy because I could, and I haven't been there for maybe about a year, I went to the Muesum of Art near the festivities. I guess I was intrigued by the title of the exhibition, Nothing Ever Happens. Downstairs, they had all the same stuff they usually do. My favorite things are the headshop door, where you look in through the peep hole of a door with a sign over saying The Third Eye with an Egyptian Eye on it, and you can see an animated scene that looks like the inside of a ful-sized headshop complete with a spinning fan, the intense smell of joss sticks, strobe light in an obscured room, 60's music, and changing perspective. That I would like to understand  The other thing I like is this thing where you go into a room and a stobe light is going off, and above you, cherubs seem to morph into helicopters and back.  It works like a Zoetrope, you've probably seen one of these before:  The featured artist is this Japanese guy who likes punk music (there was a part playing Japanese and American punk music, including a song, sung in English I now want to get called The Sushi Bar Song just for sheer randomness, but I doubt I would listen to it very seriously) and paints pictures that seem cute like Hello Kitty, but his little characters ranging from sculpture to crayon doodles obviously have a little attitude.  All of his characters seem to have a very cartoony Asian style to them. However, I realize now how relieved I am that they didn't look like anime characters. Here i was going to write a bunch of thoughts on Anime, Japanese collectivism and American stupidity. However, I realized the subject of Anime is not worth the physical effort to type the keys or the mental effort to analyze it. One question I will raise is why is this guy, who makes kinda funky, very stylized scribbles with cartoon bubbles saying "Fuck off" in big red Romanji block letters museum material, (which is completely different from gallery), but the other guy painting detailed, fanciful, beautiful and equally thought provoking paintings is sitting in the middle of a street under a 10X10 awning whose large-scale pieces may or may not ever see the inside of a museum, let alone his little doodles? I wish I could create a collage not unlike the jumbled, overloaded collage that I just made, which is not unlike all the others I have made in the past, that could somehow show why right now I am being neurotic; a jumbled chaos to match the chaos I feel right now. If I were unhappy right now (which I am not very much, evidenced by my exceptionally long blog entry; generally, the more terse and undescriptive my entries are, the unhappier I am, I would say, "If everything happens for a reason, what is the grander reason for this stress, anxiety, and frustration?" But since I am trying to be positive right now, I am not saying that. So then I got all the rest of the stuff my mom got for me from Target last night out of my car, (I was told I was not allowed to take any bags in with me but the food because it needed to be in doors refridgerating and any other bags would either subject me to being mugged raped...bloody paranoic parents. I don't know why I didn't just do it) and put the pillows and the castle in the trunk. Hey! Rocky and Bullwinkle is on tonight! Hot damn! Then I came back here, and have spent most of the time up till now working on this entry. This year, for some reason a rule has been invoked that somehow, having posters on either side of the door is a fire hazard. It has never been a fire hazard before, I have never heard of such a thing. How is a poster, or a piece of paper a fire hazard all of a sudden? I was informed that there would be a special "door inspection" by the RA tomorrow to insure no fire hazards on either side of the door. (Ironically, the manner in which I became in formed of this was by the RA taping notes to everyone's door. Oh, man! If there was a fire right now, I wouldn't want to see what happens!). Now, it's not even that I necessarily have a burning desire to tape a cut out of the mudflap girl on printed paper like I did last semester, or that I want to tape a door length Beatles/Orlando Bloom poster to the opposite side. I'm just pissed that people are telling me what I can't do. It's petty rules like this that have recently made me more resentful to the dorm lifestyle. That and the fact that I don't want to have to be dressed to go to the bathroom, I would like a real refridgerator and a way to cook real food, or even pretend (frozen) food that is bigger than about 7 X 4 X 8 inches, (it's not big enough for a pint of Ben & Jerrys; when I took it out of the package, it was barely big enough for a personal sized frozen pizza tilted on its side) I don't like fire alarms, I hate the elevator here, hall meetings to explain "the rules" there's no air conditioning, I have to park 2 blocks away from my building. Other than that, I am totally cool with dorms. Mmmmkay. I updated. Now what? Do I want to study, read books unrelated to class, or do I want to paint the eternal Jeremy portrait? Current Mood: fine
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| Gym |
| 09.05.04 (11:41 am) [edit] |
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Fucking gym. Fucking campus. That means I won't get to go work out until Wednesday. Guess I'd better go to Tapestry of Talent now for food. On an unrelated note, I wish I had my own apartment. Current Mood:  Irritated with this stupid gym that seems to be just completely assinine.
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| better stuff |
| 09.05.04 (11:02 am) [edit] |
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When was the last time I wrote something positive or neutral? I guess it was Saturday after I got back from San Francisco. Here's a nice change in pace, lets talk about some good or neutral things that I am feeling or have done. On Friday I ran errands, looked at purses, bought food, and when my family finally got to town, we went to my aunt's house and just kinda hung out. Brittany called at about 9:30. Having not seen the caller ID, I assumed it was Jeremy, and that he was doing something weird with his voice to screw with me. Brittany has a rather high, quiet voice. She wants to take Amee out on her 21st birthday. Little bitch already graduated. Of course, if I took 21 units a semester, went every possible semester, took college classes while still in high school, maybe I would be graduated too. On Saturday, my family came downtown and we went to Tapestry in talent. I always see a lot of fun stuff there, but most of it I would have nothing to do with it, even if I was self-sufficient and had a place to put things, and it's expensive anyway. I did get a sort of an insulator bag thing for very large bottled waters. We didn't eat there. I got a free sample of some sort of Indian thing that was like a mini egg roll. It was soo good! Plus I got a bunch of free samples of kettle corn. Today I am going back there to have lunch. I wish I had my bike so that I didn't have to walk all the way down there. Plus I have to go to the gym sometime today because I haven't been for the last 2 days. When we went out to eat, I told them what I was going to be doing at PBS, that is, what's on the nights I volunteered. I said one of the nights I was going to be there the Raiderettes and 49'er Gold Rush Girls were going to be there. My dad asked me, "What are they going to be doing?" I told him, "Laying grout. They are going to be doing a demonstration on tiling" and went on about the fancy tilework they can actually do. It took them both a minute to realize I was being sarcastic. I tried talking to my mom last night about all the We went to Fresh Choice with Mrs. Reed to dinner. That was enjoyable except I was still full from lunch. Then my mom and I went to Target, where I got a bulletin board, a new purse (cute as my current one is, it's not very comfortable to hold and has a hole in it big enough for a pen to fit through), a Bambi shirt, and I guess that's about it. We came back and sat and watched TV at grandma's. The males had gone to the SJSU/Stanford football game which they were beaten brutally (surprise! I remember when they were good). My mom held me for a long time. After they came back, I went back to my room, cried about the state of things, and the feeling that no matter what happens, in some way I am going to be fucked over. I wrote a lengthy letter to Jeremy detailing my reasons for feeling this way (because he ties into everything but not by anything he did or didn't do). Why do I think when I get a pop-up that says, "We've detected Spyware on your computer" that the pop-up put it there simultaneously, and they want me to download their product so that I will download their software and get more spyware? Today I thought I would be going out to breakfast with my family and grandmother. But my grandmother decided to make them a shitload of eggs and bacon like she always does which makes my mom feel guilty to have an 87+ woman waiting on her, and because my mom always tells her that they are capable of making or getting their own. She's never really seemed all together to me; kind of flighty. Grandpa was silly, but he seemed to be more together. Evidentally, according to my dad, I shouldn't be allowed to go out to eat breakfast because I once told him "All I do is eat in restaurants." (I surely hope he doesn't count Sbarro and Burger King, the slightly more desirable alternatives to the Dining Commons, as restaurants). Better get dressed and go to the gym. Current Mood: whatever What's on: Under Pressure - Queen/David Bowie |
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| counseling |
| 09.04.04 (1:44 pm) [edit] |
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I think I am going to have to go back to counseling, even if for just 3 or 4 sessions. Does anyone besides Bonnie actually read these? Current Mood:  Lost and searching
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| depressive stuff |
| 09.03.04 (9:55 am) [edit] |
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I miss Jeremy. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I wish I was as drunk as Kelly seems to be now. I wish I had the Cliff's Notes to my life. Burger King completely botched my order to the point that they put some spicy sauce on a sandwhich with meat in it that I didn't order. I really miss Jeremy. Things suck. I'm going to the gym. I'll try for 1 hour 15 minutes today. Current Mood:  Lonely, depressed, and wondering when I have time for counselingWhat's on: The Republican Convention (it's making me nauseous). |
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| meh |
| 09.02.04 (9:26 am) [edit] |
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First off, I would like to say I am so very glad I am not on a diet, especially the South Beach diet. You can't eat anything, and by anything I don't just mean anything good, I mean anything with any semblence of sugar in it, including carrots. My dad took me out to dinner last night, he practically shot down every possible idea (except Burger Pit which I loathe) and Fresh Choice. (I only said no to Fresh Choice because the point of the dinner was to sit and talk and I didn't think we could do that there). I don't diet. I don't make a point of it. I just barely eat and exercise (sometimes; I need to do a better job of being more habitual about that. When I lost all that weight, I went 2 hours a day, about 5 days a week. Right now I go twice a week for 1 hour. I need to push myself more). I guess I just won't understand a diet where Diet Soda, Decaff coffee, and big ol' honkin' slabs of red meat are acceptable but carrots are not. I think the whole low-carb thing was started by the agriculture industry, especially the beef and chicken. PS Beef/Cattle is bad for the environment. Budget Cuts Hurt SJSU This was a headline from the farcical newspaper, the Spartan Daily. Wow! Budget cuts actually hurt schools?! I knew there were budget cuts, but when did the school start becoming affected by it? DUH! I didn't read the article, but here is a headline from a more grown-up newspaper: 9/11 prominent topic at Republican Convention (or something like that) Of course it is, what is the likelihood Bush's approval rating is going to bounce back to what it was then. Damn homophobic warmonger. OK, so, onto important stuff. I did watch Monster. I liked it. Fargo was bloodier. I don't know in which more people died. Fargo was a little more irreverant. I got a meeting with the principal of Parkview Elementary to discuss a possible art program. There was someone my 4th grade teacher recomended I call first for ideas, which I did, but she wasn't very specific and she gave all the ideas to me so fast it was like, "Could you repeat everything after 'you could...'?" Now I really have to finish Jeremy soon so that I can show it to the principal on Thursday as a partial example of my qualifications. Animation advisors like to hide when their office hours are, which is very frustrating. I am trying to get some semblence of organization in my life, especially since I still haven't fully unpacked. There are 3 boxes of stuff that pretty much just need to be put in a drawer. I am doing camera at PBS for 3 nights; 1 next week, 2 the following week. I don't know why I volunteered so much. I will probably be standing for about 6 hours at a time. It's OK, standing burns calories. I had my life drawing class. My dad is made very uncomfortable about me taking a class where I have to look at naked people, and Jeremy is very jealous of me taking a class where I get to look at naked people. Yesterday, for the first time, I went down into the basement of the library. I found the book I would like to make into a movie someday. There are a lot of old books down there. I wish we could take them out. Biology lecture confuses me. All these Powerpoint slides, making me think, "Uh, yeah, what?!" Plus, I have found that I can go to my 9:00 class and feel great, feel fine on the hour between the 2 classes, but as soon as I get to that class, I want to fall asleep. Thank god it's less than an hour long. Is there anything else I want to say? Oh yeah. My dad came last night (as I mentioned before) to I guess help me get on a better path or something. Everytime we have one of these "Where am I going in life" discussions he always brings back these papers that he wrote on the airplane coming back from Florida in 2002. Somehow, they don't seem very relevant anymore. It seems like I keep talking to people, my dad, head of the RTVF dept, an art advisor, who is evidentally not an animation advisor, and I never seem to get any valuable information on how to work towards a goal. Just circles or referrals to elsewhere. I guess that's it now. Time to get dressed for school. Current Mood: meh
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Something else will go here soon KSJS Radio Promotion
5 KSJS Drops