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| 05.29.05 (11:41 pm) [edit] |
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Saw Star Wars today, went to the new BJ's for lunch, came home, felt nauseous from all the popcorn, and watched the movie MASH for the first time. Well, Jeremy it seems is not going to be making his Vegas hotel reservations for during the weekend when it will be more expensive but with class I definetely won't be able to go. Michael thinks he's going to Disneyland. For some reason, he needs to go to Disneyland during the summer, because he hasn't been in the summer since...last summer. And for some reason he thinks he's going to go to before the 17th (I don't know where he comes up with this stuff) so if that little junkit happens, I probably won't be able to go along. But hey! I have to go to the Montery Bay Aquarium, and a boat trip on the bay.:? Maybe I can use this as leverage to get a SF Zoo pass, "But it's not like I get to go anywhere else this summer." Man this blows. Fucking upper division General Ed. Curse whoever thought everyone needed "just one more class of world cultures/social issues/science." I've probably said it before, however, upper division GE should be an oxymoron. I've got to keep in mind why I'm doing this. So that a year from now, it can be my (first) graduation, so that I can start living with the person that I want to live with more than any other, and so that I don't have virtually useless classes interrupting the artistic useful classes. I think about graduating next year, and I keep needing to differentiate everything with "first." Yes, I will get a piece of paper. But right now, that's all it feels like. It doesn't feel like it counts. It's just an excuse for my parents to have a party and maybe pick up a few dollars. Perhaps I feel this way because I still look at my Radio TV Film classes as that welcome And on that second point, I have decided I am frustrated with thinking about wedding shit (ie trying on dresses; I don't know what the fuck I was thinking) and not really doing anything. So I don't want to deal with that crap until it's time. Again, I'm still not clear on how we went from "A year and a third is not that long!" to "Oh, well! We've got over a year." I remember now why I was compulsed to come down here and write, besides the notion of my school sucks. I am sick to death of Of course, my dad needs me to explain what I see the next two years of my life looking like over and over again in "Big Animal Pictures." (I should tell him when I Google searched that exact phrase, half the sites were about animal porn). I wish he would offer to help him instead of giving me the third degree constantly. I wish my dad weren't such a hardass about us living together. That would solve the issue of who I'm going to live with next semester, and one of the aspects of the "What is he going to do when he gets out here?" question. I wish it were about 2 years from now; that much closer to the degree I actually set out to get, all the questions about "What is he going to do?" resolved (hopefully in a positive way), being held close to one of my favorite people and not having to hide it... Shit. Damn this idle state of mind. I was so busy with stuff last semester I didn't have much time for dwelling on missing him. Current Mood: so many moods. Nauseous, sad, bored, nervous, kinda hungry... What's on: Pretty Woman |
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| School's Out For...A Week? |
| 05.26.05 (8:00 pm) [edit] |
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I spent 4 hours moving the rest of the crap out of the dorm in the miserable heat of that unairconditioned dorm. I thought I would be very overestimating if it took two hours. It was pretty damn miserable. I couldn't see out my back or right window because of all the canvases and art crap. And I have to go back and move into another place on the 5th. :X Not only that, but I have to move back into that dorm building. The unairconditioned, tenth story high building. At least the room won't get the afternoon sun, and it has a pool view. I hate moving. I especially hate the idea of moving out only to move back in again. :X I'm going to try to have a fairly minimal amount of stuff at this new dorm. Well, I'll enjoy this time. And maybe I'll get a zoo pass so that I can draw before I do internshipping on Friday. Tonight, I think I'm going to make friends with some Coronas and the spa. I got Chicken Run mostly to study it. I hope I don't have to go to England to persue this. That's where most of the people doing stop motion seem to be. Current Mood:  kinda tiredWhat's on: True Hollywood Story - Mary Tyler Moore |
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| Is this done? |
| 05.24.05 (9:31 pm) [edit] |
I guess this final self-portrait drawing is good. It's not going to be the most photo-real one out there. Of course, it can't be phot real if you never had a photo reference to begin with. I did what was asked of me; I did a deawing in Edward Hopper's style. (You know, the Diner guy?) I used this drawing for much of my inspiration: The drawing itself didn't take that long, which worries me a little. This is supposed to be a final project. Yet it's 10:40 the night before it's due and I am not contemplating what time I should crack open the first energy drink. I feel finished after only 2 days. I guess this is supposed to be somewhat easier than TPFH. Granted, there is a lot of other work that went into it that will never be seen. But I'm worried. It will probably be on here later. I need to shower and clean my room. I've got charcoal all over myself (not as much as last night). I Plus I want to leave quickly tomorrow. So I'd better be as ready as I can be. I may have Thursdays off next semester. Isn't that odd? They way that I have balanced out my schedule that's how it will be. If I didn't take the Friday class again I could only do class 3 days a week... hmmm... That pizza I ate earlier was not satisfying at all. Better do something. Current Mood   i guess contemplative and hungry
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| Textbook Scam |
| 05.23.05 (2:11 pm) [edit] |
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Textbooks without a doubt have to be one of the most legitimate scams out there. And it's all because of the publishers, not the stores, not the authors. They charge you $60-$80 for a used book that you are only planning on using for a semester. I paid about $60 for 3 books that I will probably use the rest of my life. Publishers make them expensive. They do so by offering little goodies that no student I know has ever used, such as CD Roms or online study guides. Then finally you are done with the $80 book. Then I went back with six books from the last year, two of them fairly thick. "We won't take this one...we won't take this one...we won't take this one..." I was able to sell one back, one! Took them over to the off-campus store, got a walloping $10 for a book that probably cost $60 used. And I am still stuck with this monstrosity:  My American History book. Nearly 1200 pages, selling new on Amazon for $112.00. Worthless, or so I am told. Why? Because it is out of date. I realize that as we progress so must history. But honestly, this book is only a year old. Nothing that dramatically different has happened since my birthday last year (that's when it was published). Unless some startling new revelation such as, "England did win the war on a technicality!" "Canada was secretly annexed in 1946" or "Strong evidence now suggests the USS Maine was bombed by insurgents from Micronesia." But for some reason, they need to update the history book with new toys thereby somehow making everything in the first book null and void. Nevermind that they pretty much say the same damn thing. But they come with new toys that publishers claim are only there to "aid learning" Aw! Those selfless publishers who are so considered about whether or not students are learning! They end up hosing the students. The people who have the old books can't sell them back, and they force the up-and-comers to buy new books that are the same damn thing. The publishers have a monopoly on the market. They know that students are forced to buy their books or fail their classes. So they can do what they do. Now if only I knew who to complain to about this. You can't go to the publishers themselves. Which one, for one thing. They justify themselves in all the aforementioned was for another. So do you write to your congressman? At least art classes aren't real book-heavy. Supplies are expensive, yes, but at least with art supplies you can keep using them after the class is done, or during the next class and no one will tell you "That ivory black is out of date, we won't accept it." Current Mood:  pissed, and feeling taken
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| 4 Comments |
| One thing after another |
| 05.23.05 (10:43 am) [edit] |
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Everything kinda feels in a fog. I've still got boxes to sort through. Three of them. There they are. One, two, three boxes. I wanna have a summer! I wanna go on a long driving vacation (there will probably be no more of that) I wanna go out to lunch with my mom all the time. I wanna be in my swimming pool all the time. I wanna go to Disneyland and/or Vegas I don't wanna move out only to move right back in. I don't wanna live in this hot building during the summer (at least my room will get morning sun only). I don't wanna keep going to school I don't wanna do more classes because this university is holding me down. Even though I have no idea what I would do most of the summer; most likely work or be a lazy-ass. I am kinda looking forward to this internship. I officially start on the 6th, MWF at 2pm. However, I may have to do something on the 4th having to do with this:  I think Jerry is wanting to audition for The Producers so he's doing this contest, and I guess they're doing it San Francisco... I was moved out yesterday. I have almost nothing in this room. They came later than I thought they would and just moved in through here like a tornado. I wasn't completely packed because I had so many boxes I couldn't move around in my room. I have to be at a meeting on the 1st. Then move back in on the 5th. I need to sell back my books, pay my tuition for next semester, and get a parking pass. Sometime today, I need to get the board for my self-portrait that I have yet to start. It's officially underway. I just haven't started the final one yet. mmmnnnaaah. Current Mood:  hungry and kinda blah
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| The Project From Hell |
| 05.21.05 (12:26 pm) [edit] |
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you The Project From Hell It has more issues now that I see it this way on the computer. Not doing anything about it now. |
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| Cliff's Notes |
| 05.21.05 (12:30 am) [edit] |
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I wish I had the Cliff's Notes to my life. I want the chapter summaries, to be told which symbolisms and nuances I should pay particular attention to, I want to be told how the story ends without having to go through the whole book one page at a time. I want to know where it all ends up. I want to know that I will eventually live happily ever after (more or less). What is the point of playing with dresses prettier than I am if I'm not realistically going to get to wear them? What is the point of drawing and doing art if I am never going to be permitted the chance to persue art in the way I'd always hoped? What if nothing goes the way I want it to? Current Mood:  whatever you think this means
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| 4 Comments |
| The sun came out today! |
| 05.20.05 (11:17 pm) [edit] |
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I think winter is officially over for a few months. I got a B in my Friday class. Not bad considering I got Cs on all of the portfolios. Of course that was based on improvement. But I'm still not sure what I'm doing wrong. My drawing goals for the summer are: characitures, (of the 15 I've done so far, only about 1/3 are successful). Because it was sunny, I finally got the drawing done with Kelly. She was miserably hot because she was sitting in direct sunlight the whole time. During her second break I brought down two fans to cool her off some. Then she and I went to David's Bridal (because I guess they're having a sale and I think Kelly thought it would be exciting). It was...interesting. Interesting is one of those words you use when you are experiencing something different but not completely sure if it's a positive or negative experience. Well, it wasn't negative. It was like seeing my ugly (and somehow much smaller) face Photoshopped onto a big fat white dress. And despite my attempts to find an unpoofy dress, I still ended up wearing a petticoat that had the power to stand up on it's own. Found a nice dress, or so Kelly and Jill (my helper) told me. It's weird on me. I'm not supposed to wear crap like that. It's just not me. The whole effect just didn't work for me. Yet, I know if I ever put it on in front of my mom she will cry. She was crying watching wedding shows last weekend! Unfortunately, I can't find the dress online, or in the catalogue. I know which ones it isn't. I would recognize it if I saw in person. The pictures are so small and undetailed it's hard to tell exactly which is which. Then we had dinner with her boyfriend (who is not as cute as Jeremy). This was the first time I really met him. The first time doesn't count because I was drunk off my ass and recollections of that evening after a certain point are spotty at best. Then we went to Target and fished for carboard boxes behind the Smart and Final, which for some reason Kelly thought was hillarious. Britney Spears is a celebrity. But I don't think she's much else. I think she started off being famous as a "singer." But she got famous, I think people stopped caring about her music, now she's just a pretty famous person and I don't know if people remember why they should care about her other than the media is telling us we should. I started my first stop motion experiment today! My Donald Duck Magnet is climbing up my refridgerator. I probably have a second done already. I will try to finish it tomorrow. Current Mood:  none
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| I think most of this is good stuff... |
| 05.19.05 (8:02 am) [edit] |
I woke up this morning, saw that San Jose was freakin' underwater, and shouted "Son of a bitch!" It's supposed to get better though. And it's upgraded from a "Partly cloudy" to sunny for tomorrow. We'll see. Although I don't think I am going to draw roses today. The word of the day is "Mughal." As in, "These minatures from the Mughal Empire are what I am going to use as my jumping off point for designing Lady or the Tiger." Or as in "Mughal is a better word to Google if you don't want the majority of your returns to actually be Native American." I don't know why there are so many more.  This happens to be one of many romantic scenes. I told my mom about it and she asked if I had read the Kama Sutra, I told her I had thought about it...for this project! Not any other unrelated...forget it! In other good news, upon not getting the internship from KRON :roll: (meh). I followed up with the guy from WB20 who I really like because he's never been a flake to me. And he called me right back and said I could have the internship! :D So I am very happy about that! Oh! And I still can turn in paperwork to live in the dorms during summer, so that's good. I had a dream last night that the two girls who always sit in front of me in my Friday class somehow saw some of my drawings and started to giggle at them. Then my mom bitched them out for doing it. I've never taken issue with those girls. I barely talk to them. I know what my mom is about in that, however, and it's a positive thing. Since I'm going to be going to San Francisco all the time, I'm considering getting a year pass to the zoo so that I can draw there before going to the station. I don't know if I am going to get to go to a lot of figure drawing sessions. So this maybe the next best thing. Speaking of zoos, I saw my dad last night. I told him about where I wanted to get married. I thought mom told him and he was just pretending he didn't know. But he really didn't. I bring this up because I know Bonnie knows (that is, I knew my mom told her), and she's probably told Lynn, Pam, and Gram. Yet the financier of the thing doesn't know. Evidentally David's Bridal is having a sale and my mom wants me to look at stuff. "See if Kelly wants to go with you" (I'm thinking of many different ways she could react to that, either with excitement or jumping to conclusions). She wanted me to go try on wedding dresses with her once before, (I think it had something to do with something she saw on Friends) even though there were no hard and fast plans to get married for either of us. We went to David's Bridal and they made us check in and do some other things, probably to keep dumbasses like us from screwing around with the pretty clothes. That's one reason I don't like shopping with Kelly, she always says, "Try something on with me!" When I text messaged her she said, "Are you trying to tell me something?" then "So, you just want to do it for fun then?" (Right, big fun). Trying to figure out my next semester schedule. Right now it doesn't look like any class I want to take meets before 12:30 in the afternoon. I don't know what my 3rd studio class is going to be. I'm thinking about the beginning sculpture class (since most other majors seem to require it, and just in case, you know...). Plus if I am serious about this stop motion thing, knowing something about sculpture can't be bad. Maybe because it's such a low class it won't be that demanding of my time. Plus that will open me up to other things maybe. If only it were upper division... Then there's a bunch of other drawing classes maybe I should take too. I don't know. I'll talk to one of my teachers about it. I need to update my portfolio on the side here. There's a few things I've done that I'd like to post, including my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit painting, and TPFH. I saw my grandma last night. I brought a chocolate milkshake to her. I think I am in denial. My dad keeps saying, "Go over there, and help her." And I don't wanna. It just seems like he's babying her a lot. I feel like she should do it by herself. I say that because if it were me in that condition, I would be frustrated with people doing that to me. Even if I really can't do it myself, i would be frustrated with myself, and them. Of course if she could still keep her balance, she wouldn't fall all the time. I guess that's it. I think I'm going to go back to bed and read. Oh, wait! Jeremy got me a very pretty choker with my name on it and sent it home with my dad, which I got last night. It is so pretty. He's so sweet. Current mood:  fine except for the weather.
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| Bloody Weather |
| 05.18.05 (8:27 am) [edit] |
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Well, the KRON lady rejected me. Great. Now I've got to call some of these other people back who I haven't seen in two or three weeks. Still no sunshine. :X Normally, I wouldn't mind because I haven't been too hot and miserable. But I need it. Similarly, the lack of light makes me lethargic and unmotivated. Jeremy, I responded to your comment on 05.15.05. I can't live with my Grandma during the summer because a bunch of stuff has happened to her and she's getting a live-in nurse. And since all two of my friends can't get a summer apartment, now I get to beg housing here for a place to stay despite that the paperwork for summer was due three weeks ago. Which means that I will have to move out of here, go into limbo, and move right back in (somewhere else, but still, not fun!) Moving sucks donkey balls. I should pack. But I feel myself avoiding it. I have no boxes. Maybe that could be my goal today. I really wish I could have a nice summer. I don't want to do classes, I don't really want to do internship. I just want to go home, have the luxury of swimming in my pool, be with my family (who are fine in small doses), and have some semblence of a trip to look forward to, even if it's just Disneyland for a few days. In better news, I did go out with Andrea last night. We went to Chili's for dinner, dropped something off at her church, back to her apt for a little bit, and then to Rock Bottom Brewery for Pint Night, which means you get a free glass. I got a little buzzed and promptly fell asleep on my computer when I got back. OK. So. Where am I going today? Current Mood: hungry
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| 2 Comments |
| All done with school and nowhere to go |
| 05.17.05 (3:08 pm) [edit] |
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Wow. I really have nothing important to say. Let's try this: I am officially done with classes for the Spring 2005 semester.  Now what? Now I feel like doing something. I don't feel like being alone. I spend almost all of my time mentally alone. I haven't really hung out with any of my friends in awhile. Maybe once each since spring break. I wish I had more friends. Maybe then I would be less worried about where I'm going to live next semester, for one thing. Damn this fucking weather! I need to do a project based on sunlight pouring through a window and on to a subject that is supposed to be me! As glad as I am that I am not naked and sweating in this 12-story tower, I seriously need just a few days of sun! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if I don't get it. 3 hour crits make me tired. I suppose staying up till 2 am and getting up at 7:45 does too. They had one of the good pizzas at Sbarro that they never have anymore. I bought it, and it fell out of the box and facedown on the pavement. :roll: I realized today that that little thing that I did, the thing that I kept complaining about, not TPFH, the one where the story was really really bad and I did the drawings for and it turned out like an animated storyboard. I realized something very positive about those little drawings. I got an emotional reaction out of them. The big guy hits the girl twice (just accept it, I did). And each time ellicited an "Oooh!" from the audience. They reacted in someway to a few other things too. Particularly when the sidekick Damn, I'm bored...and tired. Maybe I should read those stop motion books I just had to have... Current Mood: bored outta my skull
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| Everyone is better than me |
| 05.15.05 (6:16 pm) [edit] |
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If anyone should read this particular entry top to bottom, I am most appreciative. I have been very depressed lately. This explains why. I don't know if this will post or not. The last post I made showed up in the recent blogs, but for some reason, I can't see the page itself. I can't see anyone else's either. Well, we'll see. Writing about stuff is therapeutic. I had a nightmare last week the night before that I failed my Friday class. It's God, I have spent a lot of time dwelling on that. If we are all taking the same classes, how did everyone get to be better than me? Whenever he says something about how well everyone is doing, I automatically think, "Except for me, because I'm the worst!" I've felt guilt about not going down to his school in the summer because I want an internship (God willing!) because I feel like that's the only way I'm ever going to be better especially if everyone else is going too. It has caused a lot of self-doubt, especially for one such as myself who isn't Miss Confidence anyway. It made me wish the year were less close to being over so that I could get some counseling. I still may try to. The most important thing I wanted to know is why everyone was lying to me? And by lying, I mean people who obviously know nothing drawing, when they see my work say, "Oooh! Wow! You're really good!" They've always said that. Ever since 1st grade when every other kid wanted to be a veterinarian and I would draw birds for them. People told me I was good and I believed them! That's why I got into this major in the first place. It was the thing I did. Other kids did sports, music, excelled academically, I drew. I always did. And nearly everyone said I was good. Why did those stupid idiots lie to me?!?! Why did everyone insist on blowing sunshine and rainbows up my ass? I've thought this a lot. This is the only skill I've ever had to offer, and what if I fail? C+ again on the last one. Disappointed, but not terribly surprised. Still depressed. I needed to talk to someone but couldn't. My mom is not always sympathetic. My dad was airbone on his way to Jeremy's graduation, and I've already given Bonnie enough of my shit. When my dad finally called as I was on my way to Sacramento for the weekend. I told him what was happening, why I was so depressed all of a sudden. And he made me realize somewhat that what that teacher said was bullshit. I see it now too. I asked him a question about a grade, he didn't answer it. The first time he said, "I gave you that grade because of your proportions." The second time, he more-or-less said I sucked. It may be true. It may be true that everyone is better than me. But WHY? "You just suck," is not a reason for a grade. A reason for a grade is, "This looks wrong to me...this wasn't done the right way...actually, I just don't like your haircut" are all reasons why I would get a low grade! And I also now don't understand the point of the class comparison. Maybe everyone is better than me. Unless this class is on a curve, who the hell cares! What everyone else is doing should not affect my grade! He said that if you don't "Get it" this semester take it again, or take the advanced version. I see now that given the notion that "I suck" if I took the advanced class, I would "suck" at new things. If I took the same class again, I would "suck" at the same shit again because he hasn't told me whyeee!! I'm not even worried about the "grade." I'm not upset that he told me what he thought. I now feel cheated that he didn't tell me why even when I asked. I also would like to say that I know I am probably not completely innocent. Again, wish I'd gotten all these revelations a little earlier. You know, before there was no time to get counseling; Before I gave him a good review and was convinced I was just the lowly backward child drooling in the corner; While there was still time to get a concrete answer on why I suck so that I could improve it. Well, on Friday we are supposed to discuss our grades. I fully plan on discussing this with him. Piggybacking on these nuerotic thoughts: What if I can't do an internship this summer?=Then I won't graduate=then I can't get married=What if we start planning the wedding and we need to cancel? What classes should I take?=Should I go back and take the class I probably should have taken this semester?=[different teacher] said it helped with design=He also said just go forward=What if I should take it before the other one?=He said not to take it at the same time=What if I took the one I should have done first=Shit! I'll be here another year!=Is it better to wait more year and be another year better and make up for the lost time after=Shit! School sucks!=But he did say to just keep going=What if my designs are not up to parr? Oh shit! If I'm going to keep this school bus on track, I'm going to have to apply for the BFA next semester!=I can't do that! I'm not ready! I'm nowhere near good enough=If I get rejected a second time, that will be the end of it!= I won't accomplish all the cool things I hoped to!=But if I don't do it next semester for the first time, I may be here another semester! Stop motion! Who am I kidding? I don't know anything about it!=should I learn to animate first?=What if I never get that opportunity?!=Then what? It's all the same shit. It's all insecurities about myself. I finally did talk to my mom about it. Somehow, as she fell asleep in the pool, my mind started to wander. And this is usually where it wanders to. Somehow, my shit turned into my mom's shit about how she never had any goals; just to have kids and be a housewife, and she doesn't do that very well because she doesn't do much of anything other than sleep. And she says she doens't need counseling... I don't know. That last asension into nuerosis isn't quite so true anymore. I got my stop motion books this weekend. One of them is written by a guy who works on Wallace and Grommit. Flipping through the book, one of the subjects is 3 point lighting I know 3 point lighting! I've done it! Key Fill and whatever the background one is! The simple exercises to try seem so simple! It seemed like somthing I could do! Had a nice weekend at home. Haven't had a weekend at home where I just relax since winter break. My mother was surprisingly receptive to the zoo idea. When we were fighting last weekend, she asked me all of these questions that were very unimportant at the time, "What do you want your dress to look like? What do you want to do? What colors do you want? A year is not that long to plan a wedding!" So we looked at websites while I was at home, and she said, "Oh, well, we've got over a year." Holy crap! What happened to "Decide all this shit today because you've only got a little over year!" mnnnnnn...crap. This weather had better improve. I'm doing a project completely dependent on sunlight! It was 85 in Sacramento this weekend, and gorgeous. Not so today when I actually could have worked on it, of course! I had artichokes and orange mandies this weekend! I actually brought the stuff home with me so now I have virgin mandies (no giggling!) Current Mood: really really blah.
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| 5 Comments |
| Jesus Yellers |
| 05.12.05 (8:16 pm) [edit] |
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Before the Jesus Yellers rant, I will just say a few personal things. If you don't care about me feeling overwhelmed, and just want to know about Jesus yellers, it's under my current mood. This week, I had to do all the drawings for that project I was bitching about earlier. It ended up not being nearly so confrontational as my emotional self built it up to be. He asked me if I could do something. I told him honestly I didn't have time. The truth is, on Tuesday night, after having to drive to my Grandma's to drop off Jeremy's graduation card, I painted from 10:30 to 2. Then yesterday, I went to class, painted for 2 hours, went to my other class, turned in my (full!) sketchbook, painted, took a break to eat dinner and another to go to 7-11 for all-nighter food, and quit painting at about 4:45 after realizing I was cold, bored, frustrated with what the paint wasn't doing, running out of critical burt sienna, had other things to do, and justified to myself that plowing forward on the painting for another 4 or 5 hours was counter productive. Fine art students are whimps. People during TPFH were having drawing parties at 2, 4:00 in the morning. I never went. I wished there was one last night. I told people I was painting till 5 in the morning, and that was impressive. I thought it was just what needed to be done. Of course if I just abstracted things I could be done quicker. But I don't do that. I got the best compliment on TPFH! Everyone who passed by me and commented when I was working blew sunshine and rainbows up my ass. I only take compliments about my artwork from people who are better than me seriously. But in the elevator someone asked me about how the lady was holding the bananas on her head or something. And I think that is the best compliment because it isn't sunshine and rainbows, it's someone who actually said something thoughtful and worthwhile. Someone, who was in no way required to, thought about my work! Had my radio final today. Didn't study much because of the painting. We also turned in the project that I complaining about. There are too many boys in Radio TV Film. I know this because every project intended to be funny is nothing more than a constant barrage of sex and drug jokes with a lot of profanity. Just the incessantness of it all is a little monotonous after awhile. "I get it! You smoke crack and do weird auto-errotic shit!" Unfortunately girls are at the opposite end of that scale; they are kinda boring. While our project was surely not the most brilliant, it was probably the most different because we had semi-animated drawings which drew much praise. Speaking of girls being unfunny, is two commentators like John Madden and Al Michaels discussing a tiger mauling in a gladiatoresque arena funny? And we don't have much emotional attachment to the maulee... And after the tiger is done doing his business a little guy comes with a broom and one of those dustpans on a stick sweeping up an arm or something? Tomorrow I have a test on muscles. I got an email from KRON4 news about an internship. It will definetely be more production oriented than the other ones that I have yet to hear anything back from (it's been 3 weeks since the SF radio one). They didn't say "Come in for an interview" it was more like "Call us back quick, we're filling up fast." So maybe I won't So life is crazy. I'm going home this weekend. I think I am going to suggest the zoo wedding thing. (But mom, you said somewhere in Sacramento!) I hope going home isn't a mistake. Current Mood: None, really.OK, now for the rant about Jesus Yellers Friends, I would like to take this moment to analyze a group of people I'd like to call The Jesus Yellers. You are already familiar with these people. They are the people that stand around in heavily populated areas; sometimes you see them at concerts. Sometimes they have signs, or t-shirts, or pamphlets. They are evangelical, but just as much street performers. They stand on the corner and pretty much tell you that you are going to hell. (Well, if you're going to be shouting at me in heaven...). They exercise almost every aspect of First Amendment at once. Although I'm not sure that First Amendment covers freedom of volume. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against them spreading the word of the Bible. I'm not against Christianity. Anyone who knows me remotely knows I'm very much in favor of the First Amendment (favoring the First Amendment means being willing to tolerate the speech you don't like along with the ones you do). I am just critical of their methods. For reasons I'm not clear on, they seem to be ascending on the Art Quad lately. One of them said I was a looser! :lol: That's funny, in my pursuit of higher education I don't feel like a looser. First thing I want to know is why are they always Christians. I realize that part of the Bible is the notion of spreading the word. But isn't that part of every religion? It's not good for business if you go with the "let's just keep this between us" model. I think their methods are all wrong. First off, you just stand around and yell, people are going to either be amused by you (like a street performer) or they are going to be annoyed. They may work in TV advertising, just to get you to remember them (ie those freaky Quizno's commercials a year or so ago!) But it does not work well for the pure spoken word. I saw some girls quietly sitting at a table by the art building promoting a Palestinian state with some pamphlets. I just had to say, "Thank you for quietly promoting your message." Second, universities are, in their purest form, bustling market places of free ideas. California is such a diverse place; faithfully practicing Christians are probably not in the majority. In addition, colleges and professors often get the stereotype (usually from Right Wing nut jobs with talk shows) as indoctoring students with liberal ideology. If we pretend that there is statistical evidence to back this up (I will say that I have found it to be more true than not, especially as a film major) that means that people are getting liberal ideologies, which do not cohere with the "Thou shalt nots" that Jesus Yellers (and the Religious Reich). So why would you come to a place that encourages free-thinking and different ways of looking at the world to shout about one singluar closed way of thinking of things? If you want to preach, go where people will listen to you! Lastly, it seems to me there are better ways to carry out God's word than shouting at people. If these people truly have nothing better to do, why don't they volunteer somewhere helping the needy? Why don't they do work with the church? If anyone who is Muslim and reading this, and you feel personally attacked by these people (which some did, Muslim kids started circling around some of these guys about to go in for the kill), don't react. Because if you do, it will do two things, it will prove that you are evil like they say you are, and they will feel like martyrs; people who had unpopular views and suffered for it. So, that is my rant about the Jesus Yellers. Please, quiet down. I have classes right where you yell. |
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| Aw, Bloody Hell! |
| 05.12.05 (9:54 am) [edit] |
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See subject. Life is one project right after another. More later, maybe. Again, I say "I just want this week to be over." Don't feel like finding my mood. We'll just say white-knuckle centrifuge stressed. |
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| Yes, it's all about my ego |
| 05.09.05 (3:55 pm) [edit] |
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I am so pissed about this group project. (And the subject should answer why I put so much on this). First, I was pissed because my other two group members are so small minded. I wanted to do an experimental semi-stop motion thing. Something different and fun, something we/I could learn from. But eventually my group members said, "Dat's too hawd! I don wanna!" Then we agreed I would draw some story to be in kinda the same style as Teen Girl Squad. I was pissed that we didn't do my story because this other one was easier (and compwicaded things make my widdo head huut!). I wouldn't have minded my story not being done so much if the alternative to mine had not been some trite, minimal, stereotypical, and incredibly plot-holed piece of crap. I am pissed because I have done half of the drawings, and I feel like that since this little twerp who wrote the crap is trying to take over my part. I thought "Well, I'm stuck doing this crappy thing, but at least I get to impose my vision of how I think it should look." But now he's acting like it's all his project, "Can you draw this for me so that I can do this, because this is what I might want to do? I may want to zoom out. Can you help me with color?" I drew all the fucking camera angles! It doesn't fucking need color! It's stylized! This is my vision! We went with your shit vision for the story and the characters! Do NOT take my contribution away from me! This is great the way it is! Don't take away my contribution! This is our project!" I think I may just go postal on his ass. It's just pissing me off so much. The only good thing is that I will probably finish off my sketchbook. If it wasn't going to affect my final grade in that class I would wish for failure. I never want to work with those pukes again! The good news for them is that they will go far in show business, only doing the minimum and what is safe easy and done to death. He will probably end up making That 70's Show or something into a movie someday. The other good news is that I will never opt to work with them again. I may fail, but I don't want people like that around me. Tell me what I can do! Dare to do something even if it's a little more challenging than what I'm used to! Try something! Leave a lasting impression on the audience! *SIGH!* Current Mood:  FrustratedWhat's on: Piano Man - Billy Joel |
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| San Francisco |
| 05.08.05 (11:29 am) [edit] |
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Went to San Francisco yesterday. I would like to know what idiot decided that every kid-friendly museum in San Francisco should open and close at the same time? 10-5, Steinhart, Zoo, and Exploratorium (except for Zeum which is open from 11-5). As a result this makes people either rush, or more selective about where they spend their time, (and money). I can understand the Zoo closing early; animals need sleep (except giraffes). But fish don't sleep. The zoo could open earlier. The Exploratorium could be open later. I spent 3 hours at the Temporary Steinhart. The first hour was spent in front of a window looking at tropical fish. Tropical fish are hard to draw. Most of them don't sit still. They're everywhere at once. But they are pretty.  There were some anemone right by where I was drawing. Two clownfish were playing in them. Little kids would come up to the glass, plaster themselves against it, and arms spread so they looked like one of those crucified Garfield window dolls.  I think it is safe to say that Nemo (as in Finding) will never be lost again. Because every little kid found him. "Look, Mommy! Nemo!" "There's Nemo!" "It's Nemo and his daddy!" I don't think we have to worry much about Dorry getting lost either.  The most interesting thing to me in that tank were a couple of these guys (Coldrim Tangs) would swim around and every once in awhile the 2 of them would get together, high up in the tank, make a circle by going head to tail, spin around once or twice, and swim apart. I wonder why that is. Other fish are much easier to draw. However, in general, fish do not make very willing models. Especially when they like to hide behind coral. Got 10 pages of fish (and one of penguins). This place is a mess! Anyway, then I went to Golden Gate park, rode my bike with flat tires through the park, up Great Highway, to the zoo. Drew there for about 2 hours. It is amusing to me how people react to animals. Some try to get their attention, some attach human emotions to them, and most amusing is when they make the noises back to them. I got 8 pages of animals. My favorite drawing is the one I did of a male lion. I wish they taught an animal drawing class like they do human ones. Of course, it's easier to get away with screwing up a drawing of a zebra or a giraffe, because no one (except for zoologists) are 100% sure what those animals look like because they don't interact with them on a daily basis, unlike humans who they see every day. Maybe, if you can draw the perfect human, drawing a polar bear is easier. I told Jeremy I was going to go to the zoo. He said, "Why? Are you going to see your relatives?" I said, "Yes, I'm going to see my relatives. Strong, beautiful, animals of prey. Meanwhile, if I want to see your relatives, I would have to go to a barnyard." Then I walked my bike back through Golden Gate Park, (because I couldn't make it up the small hills, either because I was hurting, I'm in bad shape, or my flat tires were making it challenging). Went to the Haight, replaced my sunglasses (finally! If only it would be sunny now). Went to Hooters and Ghirardelli, (for a quesidilla and cookies), took a long time getting out of town, and came home. I had thought about getting married in Golden Gate Park. And I looked it up, and told my mom *sigh!* She got all bitchy about me wanting to get married there because it would be challenging to travel to and crap. And I don't think it was the fact that she was pointing out what she was pointing out that pissed me off. Maybe it was the way she did it and got all pissy with me. "You need to do this, and you need to do this, then you need to do that, then this and this..." It was the thing that I always worry about, the fact that she was going to impose her will on my shindig. And so it begins. I shouldn't have the date when I want it. I can't have it where I want it. If she didn't make me feel like a wedding was a big fat stupid deal, I wouldn't've minded. If she didn't make me feel like she was going to take it over as her project, I wouldn't've minded. She thinks a year for a wedding is a really short time. I pointed out it was a year and 4 months. The way I see it, she's got a 4 month head start! Now, since she has all but insisted our little shindig be in Sacramento, I'm going to see what she says about a wedding at the Sacramento Zoo (I am dead serious). In better news, I found out Sea Fairies is in the public domain, as is the story I have selected to be my first stop-motion project, The Lady or the Tiger. After figuring out what I'm going to do, then I've got to figure out how I'm going to do it. Kids are always doing movies. But I'm pretty sure they don't have 4 or 5 cameras, and expensive editing software just laying around their house, or crews of actors, editors, and camera guys on speed dial. Not to mention funding. So how do they do it? Speaking of which, I probably should work on that crappy project I told my group I would do. I have done 2 out of probably 40 drawings. That should fill up the remaining 15 pages of my sketchbook. But I've got to get dressed and do it, dammit. Current Mood:  hungry and kinda, whatever
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| Today and tomorrow |
| 05.06.05 (11:06 pm) [edit] |
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I had a short insecure freak-out in my class this morning. The same you're-not-ever-going-to- be-good-enough-to-survive thoughts keep popping up. If it weren't the end of the semester, I might go back to counseling. I had a dream that I failed my Friday class. I am pretty sure I'm not going to get an F or even a D. But I guess I looked at some of my drawings from last time and realized they hadn't changed as much as I thought they had. So that worries me. When he talks about how good everyone in the class is, this time I know he's talking about everyone except me. After that class I painted for 6 hours. The time flew by mostly because I was listening to music and dancing some as I painted. I like it so much better than in class. I'm afraid to dance in class. But at the same time, I'm always watching the clock and end up leaving early. I really really want to go to Disneyland... Tomorrow, I finally take that trip just for myself to San Francisco where I will attempt to complete my sketchbook which by 5:00 tomorrow will be filled with guesture drawings of fish and other zoo animals. Hopefully, there will be time for a bike ride in there too. The other good thing I will do will be replace my sunglasses at the Hooker/Drag Queen store.  (it would be the place seen in the background). I didn't tell my parents I was going. Mostly to avoid the "Who are you going with? No one? Do you think that's really a good idea?" conversation. And yes, since no one wants to sit around with me and watch me draw, and I don't want to feel like I'm holding anyone back, I do. But now, I must sleep. Current Mood: tired
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| WB 20 and the Twilight Zone |
| 05.04.05 (8:44 pm) [edit] |
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What is the connection between the two? WB20 used to be KOFY TV 20 (remember them? I remember seeing the big ol' sign for the station on 101 going up to the apartment). And occassionally on TV 20, especially like on New Year's Eve/Day they would run Twilight Zone marathons. This was all before the station got bought out by WB and Twilight Zone got bought by the Sci-Fi Network. So I had two internships at WB20 today. One with the Street Team promotions department, and the other with the office promotions department. I think both interviews went well. The only interview I have been honestly able to say that about was my first Disney interview (I got accepted both times, but the first time I would have gotten to be in operations... mmmnnn... I'm not bitter about going to Disney World the first time I applied anymore). The office promoter wants to see some of my other projects. That would be super, except I remembered somewhere around Daily City that I didn't have his e-mail. 101 sucks. It's not nearly as pretty, it's more congested, ugly constructioned, and as a result it's not nearly so easy to push 90 mph on that road as it is 280. The only good thing about 101 is the view either after the 16th street or Caesar Chavez exit. You come over a hill, and suddenly the city, all of it, is right there in front of you. Also brings back lots of apartment memories, since 101 was the only way to get to San Francisco from San Jose for awhile. I worry about having my own opinion in papers. I have come with a few little original analytical observations for this Twilight Zone paper. If it's your idea, there's nothing to cite. Yet how can you prove it's not someone else's idea but yours? I don't know if I've ever complained about the show The Swan (which thankfully has not been renewed for another season) but there is a disturbing resemblence between that show and the episode I found to be one of the most disturbing Twilight Zones, "Number 12 Looks Just Like You." If you have access to the SJPL, it's on volume 25. The Street Team interview asked me if I knew anything about the WB20 programming, which I don't really. The best most observant thing I had to say about WB's programming is, "I applaud that you don't seem to have any reality shows on your network." Yay! The weather on Saturday went from a high of 60 to a high of 69! This is good news! That is also supposed to be the only day it doesn't rain in the next week or so too. I feel like eating a Payday and a Corona. I could get a Corona. But that would mean taking more time away from this paper. I doubt this will be an all-nighter. Everything I need is there. I've just got to piece it all together. On the one hand I want to party this weekend. On the other hand I really, really want to take a drawing/biking field trip. And since the sketchbook is due in a week, guess what I'm doing instead! Hopefully I'll have time to do the fish, the zoo and the bike ride. If not, I'm prepared to go back Sunday! Why not? It will only be the 4th time i've been there in the last 2 weeks! (Not complaining! I love San Francisco! I love driving in San Francisco most of the time). Where is Jeremy? I hope he's not assuming I'm going to call him back this time. I also hope he didn't fall asleep again. I should probably stop writing this. And no, I haven't been writing the whole time. Every time I think of something new I would just type it. Current Mood: OK
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| It's the most wonderful time of the year |
| 05.03.05 (7:11 pm) [edit] |
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Shit. How did my Twilight Zone paper get left till the last minute? Oh, that's right. TPFH eating away into all my time practically since spring break, stupid history requiring way way too much time (which is what I should be doing now), internship-related stuff happening, family crap, and the catergory loosely called misc into which fits everything that I seem to be ignoring (the painting I am way behind on, the life drawing I haven't been doing, the occassional radio thing, fratority). Everything I think about I want to do tomorrow I can't because of the paper. Maybe after I go to WB20, I can just go to the Steinhart-- no, paper. Tomorrow night, I'm going to catch up on my painting-- no, Twilight Zone paper. I've been feeling guilt about TPFH. I think I may have inadvertently cheated a little bit on it, but not knowingly (does that make it better?). So I feel guilty about that. Plus I feel like I did on it what I needed to do. A bunch of people had been living after hours in the room together working. I didn't because it's just not what I do. I thought I did what he wanted us to do; not pull all-nighters and work on it for periods of 10-12 hours at a time. But people did anyway. I feel guilty that I, like so many others, didn't make myself stay up until 4:00 2 nights in a row working on it. I thought I did what I needed to do. But now I question whether I did or not. In some of my classes, if the teacher makes a general but positive comment about how things look ("These are looking pretty good") I feel like they're talking about everyone except me. Ugh! If you are sleeping, you're not working hard enough. On the plus side, my dad gave me permission to go ahead and buy the books I want, all three of them! Had an internship interview with Infinity's Mix 106.5 and KBAY this morning. I like the Susquehanna stations way better, if only they weren't in San Francisco... Yay. Time to read about the Recall election of California. Whoopdeefuckingdoo! Current Mood:  blaaaaaaah
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| Good stuff. |
| 05.02.05 (3:07 pm) [edit] |
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I got another call for an internship with Mix 106/KBAY. Going to do that tomorrow morning at 10:30. I didn't realize how close they are to campus! I guess I've passed them a bunch of times on my bike, but I never cared before! It's a great ego booster to like apply places and have people actually want you there! That means I'm going to need more stamps for thank yous, tho. I had 2 more left for the 2 interviews on Wednesday. Nobody has commented on my lovely editing projects!:( They are either at the bottom of the right margin under the paddle or on Friday 04.29.05. There's still time! I can't believe it is May already! Found my paint box! But wait, there's more! TPFH is done! Great. Now all I have to do is read this book about the California recall election, work on my painting, write my Twilight Zone paper, draw for the stupid project, put together a final portfolio, work on my self-portrait, and that's just this week... I have to go to Shrunken Head Men tonight! Internet is slooow right now. Current Mood:  hungry and relieved
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| i guess i've got nothing... |
| 05.01.05 (7:51 pm) [edit] |
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So I was all fired up to go painting this afternoon, and evidentally my box with my paints and paint brushes is missing. It's too bad. I love painting on the weekends. I paint completely alone with my music so I kinda sing and dance while I work. When I paint at class I keep watching the clock and wishing it was time to start cleaning up. So instead of painting I took a two hour nap. I hate napping. I don't know why I never seem to get enough sleep lately. I sometimes go through weird sleeping phases. There are about 3 or 4 books I want on Amazon about stop motion animation and drawing. But I can't afford...most of them. I should ask my Friday teacher if he's familiar with any of them. I really hope I get that radio internship. I sent out my thank you note yesterday. Career centers and books tell you all these things to make you "stand out" but if everyone does it how can you stand out? Kelly finally apologized for dropping off the face of the earth. She told me why she did, but that doesn't mean I comprehend it. I don't know if that means she's back on the earth or not. Group projects suck. TPFH is almost done. There is like just an hour's worth of work on it. So why don't I do it? Why does it seem like every store playing the mother's day card is playing up the "Mothers need jewelry" card? I hate the jewelry industry. They seem to use passive-aggression combined with false sentiment. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I got cornered into taking that kind of account. I think I need to update to XP. Wow. I really had nothing to say. Better get back on that last little bit of TPFH. Current Mood: nada
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Something else will go here soon KSJS Radio Promotion
5 KSJS Drops