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| Worry |
| 07.28.05 (8:12 am) [edit] |
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Nothing is happening. I miss Disney World. There were no real problems in Disney World. There were plenty of annoyances. But they were all temporary; the crowds eventually had to leave, you could clean up the garbage spill all over your legs, closing every night was an annoyance but I put up with it and thanked my lucky stars that I didn't work at Magic Kingdom. There were no self-righteous parents. Everything was set. There was work, hence there was money. You were guaranteed a place to live. There was no homework, classes, degree chasing (for all the good a degree seems to be), or BFA portfolio reviews. I seemed to have more good friends in my life than I ever have had or probably will have again. Plus I was somewhere. If nothing else, on my days off and some evenings, I got to be in Disney World which was never boring. Now there is uncertainty. There is worry. There is no security: no money, no place to live, concerns about school. In addition, I am bored. When I wake up early on these summer mornings to go to the zoo something just feels right about it. Like it's the way it's supposed to be. I should be getting up early on a summer morning to go somewhere; a theme park to play, a theme park to work, across two or three states. Stuff needs to happen. I wish I could not be so neurotic. If I can be in school, I should be allowed to be in counseling too. I wish I could fast forward through the next five years; past the rest of school, past all of these uncertainties and the ones I will have to face in a few years, past any marriage crap. I had another dream that I was getting married. My mom planned everything and all I did was show up. I think it was prompted by an arguement my mom and I had. At her suggestion, at least 16 months in advance she suggested I go to David's Bridal and try on dresses becuase they were having a sale (which they have about every two weeks). And they make you sign up and give them a bunch of personal information. Now I am on some kind of list where people are sending me catalogues and calling me about bridal fairs (I don't know). My mom said she found catalogue of wedding invitations, and asked for about the third or fourth time, "What did you do?" Reminding her it was her idea that I run out and try on wedding dresses (thereby partially placing some of the blame on people incessantly calling me on her) only got her pissy, "Well! I'm sorry! I thought it might be fun! I won't ever suggest anything like that again!" :roll: I want to... i don't know... Current Mood:  nervous
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| What a shitacular day... |
| 07.25.05 (5:19 pm) [edit] |
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I had Kelly, Andrea and Jeremy over for a party this weekend. Kelly's car died on an on ramp to I-5, and my mom, Jeremy and I waited with her for over 2 hours while her mom and step dad came up from San Jose to get her and the car. Aside from not being particularly happy about going back to my internship (which was a total waste of time and gas), my lovely day started with Kelly telling me that she couldn't live with me as I planned leaving me Shit Outta Luck since Andrea already has something going on. So now I've got to look for a roommate. Jeremy is doing the same thing. He meet some guys to live with today possibly... I know that Kelly's situation cannot be helped... I HATE MY DAD SO MUCH!!! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS HIMSELF! HE DOESN'T CARE HOW MUCH EASIER LIFE WOULD BE FOR BOTH OF US! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS UPHOLDING HIS PRECIOUS LITTLE DENIAL BUBBLE!!! DOES HE HONESTLY NOT BELIEVE THAT IF WE WERE GOING TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WE WOULD HAVE?! I AM OLDER THAN HE IS WHEN HE GOT MARRIED, DAMMIT!! I JUST HATE HIM SO MUCH!!! HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCKING DAMN ABOUT ME!!! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IN HIS FAT BALD WHITE FACE I like to pretend that telling him the awful truth would solve everything. He isn't protecting me, so why bother anymore? Might as well give in. But I know it isn't true. I hate myself too. I hate that I allow him to yank the money chain constantly. I wish I wasn't so dependent. I could say "Screw you! I'm outta here!" He is such a hardass. I hope my mom runs him through tonight. I blew up at him today. My mom wanted me to call home when I got back to San Jose, and unfortunately he had just walked in the door when I called and wanted to talk to me. And before I could say, "I don't want to talk to him," I was. I knew what would happen. I hate him right now. I wish I was in a major that would allow time for a job. But my latest art teachers strongly advise against it; spend more time on the work, and you will make up for it later in life. I wish it were 5 years in the future; no more school shit, no more parents, no more wishing i could get a job I never wanted to begin with. I don't know if I am contradicting myself by saying this, however, if he's going to yank the money leash, I can retaliate somewhat; I think I'll go shopping tomorrow. That always makes me feel better. I know this doesn't sound very mature. But I think he's being selfish so it kinda balances out. Jeremy was in an equally bad mood when I got him today too. So we've both been short with each other. I planned on going to the grocery store tonight and buying dinnerish things like chicken and fish and probably something with chocolate to help me feel temporarily better until I can buy something I totally didn't need tomorrow. But Jeremy decided he didn't want fish or chicken or much of anything else that might feed us for a couple of days. In addition, in Jeremy's mind, nothing is worth waiting for. So now he has decided to live off 7-11 food. I have decided I need to punish myself for the bad things I did to my body this weekend. So yeah. Everything feels really tense and bad right now. I have spent much of this afternoon screaming. It seems to me i wanted to complain or something about summer. Again, I blame school. If I get out of school, then I can get married, because my asshole dad interestingly also will not let us just get married and then pay for that last year of school, again, thereby satisfying everyone. He has to be a pain in the ass about it. I hate him. Then I can work on my second degree, then I can work. But because of all the extra crap even a regular major makes you do, you can't graduate in any reasonable amount of time without either staying longer and screwing up the possibility of life after SJSU, if such a thing exists, that you either have to be miserable during a summer or miserable an extra semester. I hate everything right now. The only good thing is that my boyfriend is here finally. But I'll bet my dad would feel happier knowing he were back in Kentucky; then there would be now way he could do his daughter, and the only immediate man in my life would be him. He would love that! Current Mood:  pissed as hell
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| Good News |
| 07.17.05 (8:39 pm) [edit] |
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I am reunited with my boyfriend more-or-less permanently. As far as I know, and with the exception of one more class that I would have taken for my RTVF major anyway (but it's ok, because I love the teacher), I am officially all done with summer school and General Ed. I may, or just my voice and back, be on a promotion for the WB 20's brand spakin' new Fan Van from which station swag is distributed (i like that word, swag) where a bunch of sales people, another intern and I were shouting and jumping around getting covered in confetti, running back and forth across the small parking lot and shouting. I'm sure it looked ridiculous to the common onlooker. I saw Charlie and The Chocolate Factory today, which i loved. It was very funny, and much closer to the book than the original. When we saw the movie two of the previews were for stop motion movies (Wallace and Grommit and Tim Burton's Corpse Bride). This is confidence instilling to people who tell me that it is a non-existent industry. This Tuesday, I attempt to make Sven, my mannekin from Ikea, walk. The worst news I have to report is that tomorrow morning early I have to go get a tire replaced and rotated, because they couldn't stay open on Satuday night, of course. I'm having a pool/drinking/slumber party next weekend! I am going to get Corona 12 pk, 6 pack Woodchuck Cider, and a 6 pack of Smirnoff, plus I'll be making Orange Mandies. Current Mood:  very goodWhat's On: Who Wants to Be a Mega-Millionaire |
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| FINALLY! |
| 07.14.05 (6:01 pm) [edit] |
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And then, it was more-or-less over... and she bought FOOD! Current Mood:  relieved
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| I hate this!! |
| 07.11.05 (7:31 am) [edit] |
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OMG! I so don't care! Current Mood:  stressed and frustrated
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| Get this week over with! |
| 07.10.05 (3:24 pm) [edit] |
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Thank god this is my last week of class! I am so behind on everything! I have (for my purposes mostly) 7/11 Homosexuals in China/India paper due tomorrow; it's a good thing I stayed up all Wednesday/Thursday working on it! 7/11 Test in Oceanography 7/14 About 7 Oceanography "Expeditions" 7/14 India final and prior reading assignments 7/16 Big-Ass Oceanography Paper I desparately need to get to the grocery store since I have no non-water drinks, almost no food that isn't a rice cake, and I need some toiletries. But I don't think that's going to be happening this week either! I've been putting off going to the doctor about a few minor issues too. Oy! Better get on something! Current Mood: stressed
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| The Boy is Back in Town! |
| 07.09.05 (4:41 am) [edit] |
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Hay-la! Hay-la! My boyfriend's back! Going to a place I don't remember going to since I was 3, the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Current Mood:  very happy
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| Bastard |
| 07.06.05 (6:59 pm) [edit] |
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Dammit. Jeremy is in Vegas right now having fun. And I am stuck here, most likely working all night on this paper, (it's not due till Monday but nothing is going to get done this weekened) with the only things I have to look forward to are him finally getting here, the stress of my classes getting over with, and those very important zoo trips; the best thing I could be doing this summer especially since I haven't had the opportunity to look at naked people lately. Oh, how I wanted a slice of thick-crusted, greasy, extra-cheesy slice of pizza today... Current Mood:  annoyed and stressed.
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| Screw it |
| 07.05.05 (9:25 pm) [edit] |
| Screw it. I'm changing my topic anyway. Researching aimlessly in books about some unknown aspect of women is getting me nowhere but bored and frustrated. My topic is now officially now modern views on homosexuality in China and India. |
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| This sucks. |
| 07.05.05 (1:41 pm) [edit] |
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*SIGH!* Shit. I hate doing things. It is really hard to lose focus on why I am doing this. My head is not wanting to be into writing this paper. I want to change topics. But it seems it will be more of a hassle to change it than stick with it. I wish those girls would shut up. I never realized how thin these walls were until I got by such boisteress girls. Jeremy and Courtney should be about an hour away from Oklahoma if they left at 1 their time like they said they were going to. More later, maybe. Current Mood:  irriated
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| More Random Observations |
| 07.01.05 (10:48 pm) [edit] |
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i saw the film Field of Dreams not so long ago. It's about a guy who works in a cornfield in Nebraska, there are voices in his head telling him to do things that only he can hear and he does them, and he is visited by dead baseball players that only he and his family can see that keep disappearing in and out of the cornfield. This is a relatively positive movie. Yet, how is it that these are a lot of the same themes in Stephen King stories but when the voices and the dead people come, it's not a warming experience? I am sick of celebrity gossip. I feel like that's all that there is here (in my house). It's kinda one of those times where I feel smarter than my mom. I sense at times the feeling may be mutual; her automatic response to divert the occassional political conversation is a quick, "I don't know anything about that." :? It kinda bothers me that celebrities get more attention than other news. Today I watched part of a riveting program called 101 Even Bigger Celebrity Oops! on the station that refuses to acknowledge that anything worthwhile happened before 1980 (maybe), E! Now, this program implicates that there was a show before that without the "Even Bigger." Most of these events were things that happened in the last year, since the last 101 Oopses. Since They had a soundyte on this show from Ashlee Simpson about her lip syncing SNL incident. Not only did she not say anything worthwhile, she didn't say anything coherrent. "Like...like...and you know...like...and like you know..." I almost felt like they put that clip in to make fun of her more. I will admit that listening to comedians make fun of stuff is amusing. However, I can do that with other people, or alone in my blog. Lindsay Lohan has a True Hollywood Story. The bitch is only 19! If she died from a heroin overdose that would be one thing. Her's her Hollywood Story: She got in some Disney movies, became famous by making movies appealing to girls between the ages of 9-14, she's tried singing, she may or may not have gotten a boob job, and, like so many young girls, turned skank as soon as she turned 18. End of story. Amber Frey has a True Hollywood Story. Why? She's not Hollywood. She was just the unfortunate unknowing mistress of man who somehow became a celebrity. I first off predict that had Scott Peterson been either not white or dirt poor that trial wouldn't've gotten the attention it did. Second off, everyone knows who Scott Peterson is, but I'll bet hardly anyone knows who Eric Rudolph, the white-supremisist, Christian terrorist, whose most famous attack amongst several others at abortion clinics and gay bars, was the one on the Atlanta Olympics. Granted, he was finally convicted in April, but that doesn't make the cover of People magazine every week. The other thing I don't like about celebrities, aside from people making me believe I should care about their personal lives somehow, is that the headlines of the many celebrity magazines at the checkout counters look more and more like tabloids; the headlines are so contradictory to one another one never knows what's what. I am dying to talk to someone about the Bush speech last Tuesday. It makes me want to scream. He is still riding the "The Iraq War is because of 9/11" wave. I feel like saying, "Dude, you already got a good portion of the people to vote you back in because they still believed the connection between Iraq-Al Quieda and Iraq and Nukes. You're a lame duck, Stop lying to us already!!" Unless he is trying to conince himself of his own bullshit. "The terrorists who attacked us...hate freedom," Who really "hates freedom"? "Freedom" is a catchphrase people like to use to describe America. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying the freedoms protected by the Constitution are not great and better than most nations. However, saying they hate freedom is like saying "They hate the American Flag." They don't hate the flag the object, or the fabric that is the flag, or the fact that it's the busiest-looking flag. They hate what it symbolizes, America, and they hate what they think we symbolize. To say "they hate freedom" is an over simplification. Ironically, there wasn't terrorism in Iraq until we had to butt in there. "The terrorists who attacked us...despises all dissent" This from the man who said "You are either with us, or with the terrorists. "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism". --Thomas Jefferson. "Their aim is to remake the Middle East in their own grim image of tyranny and oppression by toppling governments..." I honestly do believe that we do not want "tyranny and oppression' on these people. But isn't our aim to remake the Middle East into our image? He more-or-less admits it later on in the speech! "Many terrorists who kill innocent men, women and children on the streets of Baghdad are followers of the same murderous ideology that took the lives of our citizens in New York and Washington and Pennsylvania." What about when soldiers under your ruling killing innocent civilians over there? "Like most Americans, I see the images of violence and bloodshed. Every picture is horrifying, and the suffering is real." Even the ones of US soldiers torturing Iraqi detainees? Not that he is denying it exists. But he did deny it at Guantamo. "Is the sacrifice worth it? It is worth it." It wasn't worth it when Manifest Destiny reared its ugly head in the name of "Democracy" in Vietnam, was it, Dubya? I say suit up he and Rummy and let's see if the sacrifice is worth it. "They know that as freedom takes root in Iraq, it will inspire millions across the Middle East to claim their liberty as well." This sounds like domino-effect rationing. Again, not sure if Freedom is a metaphor for Americanism, however, if they don't suddenly become enlightened at Iraq's glowing example does that mean we will have to enlighten them too? "Setting an artificial timetable would send the wrong message to the Iraqis, who need to know that America will not leave before the job is done...As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down." You mean that "Mission Accomplished" nonsense was a bunch of shit? (Unless the mission was to knock over a statue). Crap. We're never getting out of there. Wow. I feel a lot better. That wasn't the whole speech. It's good to get that off my chest. I haven't felt this good since the time I was flipping through the channels and I stopped on CSPAN, and Rummy was on justifying torture in Iraq, and I was yelling back at the TV and my mom made me sacrifice the remote. Sandra Day O'Connor has retired. I am very afraid. Current Mood: I'll bet you thought I would never shut up.What's On: Reno 911! (I've missed this show) |
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