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| Negative Internal Dialogue |
| 02.25.06 (11:32 am) [edit] |
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I woke up at 5:15 this morning warm. I couldn't get back to sleep for an hour. The internal dialogue wouldn't shut up. And all it wanted to do was yell at me about how much my art sucks.
I thought I was getting somewhere with this drawing stuff. But I seriously don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore. I think I am going out of my mind though. I guess nobody in the class has been studying (which is different from drawing) and so the teacher was very negative plus my usual suckiness. So at least I'm not...yeah... Here's an interesting comment that transpired in that class (on my blatant introversion and possible lack of confidence) "When I see you walking through the halls, I want to see you standing up straight with your head up saying, 'I'm bitchin'.'" A little challenging considering I always feel like I am about to get hammered for something. According to a not-drawing teacher, 70% of all internal dialogue is negative. I wonder if that's just in people with decent self-esteems? Oh, and uh, yesterday for my birthday, my mom and her mom went to the Cheesecake Factory. Today I guess Jeremy and I are going to lunch at Olive Garden. I don't know if I will see Kelly ever again... And if you read this, Happy Birthday Andrea. Current Mood:  rather blah
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| 8 Comments |
| Nothing is good |
| 02.23.06 (2:55 pm) [edit] |
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I hate the lighting at my grandma's house. I want to die. "I wasn't laughing at the drawing, I was laughing with it." Everything sucks. If I didn't have class tonight and this fucking drawing to do I would have been drunk by noon. |
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| Tired of Sucking |
| 02.23.06 (12:50 pm) [edit] |
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I don't know what the fuck I am doing in this major anymore.
I feel like I am being screwed with. I turn in an assignment. The teacher says, "Fix this cast shadow." So I fix the cast shadow. Then I show it to her, "Fix that edge." So I fix that edge. "Change the shape of this like this." So I change the shape of this like this. "I don't like the shape of that [thing you just changed according to my specifications]." "And add a highlight." Sonuvabitch! Why can't you fucking tell me everything that's wrong all at once so I know exactly what I have to do?! Seriously, how was everyone else's art education so much better than mine? "Everyone else made these mistakes in high school." What? Everyone else had semi-descent drawing/painting teachers and I got shafted? No. Clearly I am just backwards/slow/stupid/spe cial. Get me off this fucking short bus!!! I also don't know why I'm in there because its so social. I make a point of sitting by myself. I think its too late now to change; if I just started sitting near people they would think, "Why the hell is she trying to be sitting near us and butting in and shit?" Then I hear conversations I want to join in and don't because I'm away from everyone and they will think I'm evesdropping. I would rather give a public performance in front of thousands of people than try to make friends with a few people. I never understood what's so terrible about giving a public performance. Chances are, those people will never see you again. They'll judge you in the moment and go home and forget you. And if they do judge you negatively they aren't really judging you, they're just judging your performance. In a social situation if you make an ass of yourself you may have to see them again...a lot. And in that case, they are judging you personally and not some performance. Plus they are all so much better at art than me... God, stuff sucks. Thank god there's counseling tomorrow. See? My self-esteem is still intact. "It gets easier" WHEN THE FUCK IS THAT GOING TO BE?!??!?!?!? Current Mood:  Severely depressed
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| Painting |
| 02.22.06 (11:16 am) [edit] |
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I don't know why I ever thought I could do this artsy shit...
Aside from the fact that I have been lied to... "You've been a very good sport about this. Your self-esteem is still intact." Clearly, she's never been to my counseling sessions, or read my blog. Maya class and aerobics tonight. Yippy skippy. Current Mood:  blah
WorkingForChange.com is being awfully slow about putting up the new This Modern World... I Heart Public Transportation...the way it only comes every half hour instead of 15 minutes at night...how when three trains fail to come they accomodate by only sending one train...how it sometimes just sits at the station a few blocks away doing nothing for 5 minutes... |
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| Our moms point out the obvious |
| 02.20.06 (11:12 am) [edit] |
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Here are some things that both Jeremy and my mom have pointed in an oh-so-fun way. Not only was it oh-so-fun, but it's stuff we both already knew.
If we're going to live together (with or without marriage) I'm going to need a full time job. And if we decide to live together without marriage, my dad will be completely out of the picture. And have we thought about that? And am I going to keep going to school after I get this degree and how do I see that working out? And it's really expensive to live in California And what are we going to do, and how are we going to do it? Evidentally, Jeremy's mom went on to point out that she would not help us either. All of this is stuff I know. Isn't this something that everyone, single/coupled/married has to go through? The whole being cut off from mommie and daddie thing and doing it alone or are we the first to ever have to do it? Or are we just the first couple whose parents are assholes? I got really depressed a few weeks ago when I was stressed out about the speeding ticket (until I was able to put it off until June). Between that, life after May, and this portfolio revue coming up in a month or so all I My counselor wisely suggested, Don't worry about everything. Only worry about the thing that is the most imminent. So I am. And now I have bad dreams about the portfolio revue. I think In the latest I dreamt it was on March 3rd. Fail portfolio revue = Another semester of college = more debt = longer time before I can actually get the job that will support me I have visions of them failing me even if my stuff is good enough, but just because I'm slow. I keep hearing horror stories about how people fail two or three times before making it...something to look forward to. So much fun stuff. Fun parents. Fun worries. I was going to go to school early and do some Maya stuff, and show a teacher my latest do-over so that I could have it all done by tomorrow. But I forgot to put a . between email and sjsu. I hate to put off the Maya stuff. But there is something else due earlier that I haven't even started. Blah! I really don't want to go to school just for aerobics. I missed last week because she wasn't there one day, and then I was doing Maya stuff to the last minute. Current Mood: really really blah
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| Portfolio Revue Dreams, The Animal Shelter, Crappy Boots, Moxie, Cranky Computer, My upcoming birthday, and the SI Swimsuit Edition |
| 02.17.06 (9:28 pm) [edit] |
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I now have had 3 dreams about failing the portfolio revue. In the latest, these two girls who don't believe their drawing skills are that great, but are seeming to do much better in this painting class than me (because I should be in the Art Short Bus program; how everyone else just has such a god-given gift, and all those fuckers have flat out lied to me I'll never know) got in and I didn't. This portfolio revue situation is like the joke about the two people running away from bear. One says, "I don't know if we're going to out run the bear!" The other says, "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run you!" I don't have to be the best. I just have to be better than some. I would have no problem being ranked 25/25. Just as long as I am still in the top 25 people they pick this year. So stressful. Jeremy and I went and looked at kitties and bunnies at the animal shelter yesterday. I like the kitties that try and reach you through the glass better than the ones that stare you down, "What're you lookin' at?!" There was a really adorable white kitten that was so playful and active. *SIGH!* Then after that we went and looked at...harder shinier objects... I really need new boots. My old ones leak and never dry. But stupid stores can't carry nice boots (or anything) in a freakin' size 11. It's one thing to have a low body image because of media messages. But what about when stores don't want to even acknowledge your kind exists? Tomorrow I'm going to see the teacher who taught my teacher. I hope something good comes from it. Evidentally, if I'm going to "make it" in the art world, I will do so mostly on moxie. (No not his exact words, but "moxie" is a fun one). I officially need to go Elvis Presely or Dick Cheney on my computer (take your pick). It's kinda turned into a cranky old man, "I don't wanna print your documents...My USB ports don't work as good as they used to...I'll get it done when I'm good 'n' ready...I don't wanna get turned off..." So I think my dad is going to give me an old computer that he doesn't use anymore. If only it had the Windows XP platform. So. My birthday is coming up. I wonder where my mom wants to go for dinner. It seems like everytime I pick a place for us to go for my birthday dinner she has a problem with it. I wonder if Kelly will remember. I never call her anymore. I always wait for her to call me. If we hang out it's mostly on her terms unless I need help with a project. Over the years I've gotten frustrated with trying to get her to bend to my schedule because it's never worked. But she always comes up to Sacramento for my birthday. I wonder if Jeremy will be avaiable any weekend to party or go up to Sacramento or whatever. I guess that's it. I desparately need to do some tracing (evidentally). Or maybe a skull rendering. I finally got my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. It's very cleverly advertised. All of the ads have girls in "bikinis" so they look just like the real girls. There is more body painting in the ads this year (last year there weren't any). I wonder what the purpose of that edition What does it say about our culture that body painting isn't "offensive?" If you are offended by someone being naked, how is it an except if they just look like they're wearing clothes? Also, why is it that a breast itself isn't offensive but a nipple is? There are no visible nipples in that magazine. But there are plenty of naked yet cleverly covered breasts. I still wish I knew how God gave everyone else (in my immediate surroundings) a gift of drawing except me. Like I said, Short Bus Art student. Current Mood:  not exactly sure...
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| Stuff from lately |
| 02.15.06 (11:07 pm) [edit] |
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So I turned in two big assignments in that CGI class that I hate so I can momentarily relax. And the teacher assumed that since Monday is a holiday, and he doesn't have to go to work, neither do we, so he'll be skiing or partying when we're supposed to be in class. So now I'm exhausted. I hope Jeremy brings popcorn when he gets back. Jeremy said to me, "I have to get you something for Valentine's Day, then 10 days later get you something for your birthday." I told him not to worry about it and don't even bother doing anything for Valentine's. (Isn't he a lucky guy? I think he still wishes he'd done something even though it was completely unnecessary). So yesterday was Valentine's Day, the most passive-agressive holiday there ever was. I've found that most people who hate this holiday are bitter for whatever reason. I hate this event for a number of reasons. There is all the stereotypical stuff I could say like, women use it as an excuse to brag to each other, and the success of the man doing well, he will score (hence his motivation for doing well). While there is plenty to be said about this mentality there are other deeper reasons to dislike this day. The implication of the holiday is that the more money you spend, the more you love or are loved. The people who generate this image promote gross consumerism of useless crap like cards, flowers and gigantic mylar heart-shaped balloons (of which I saw 2 guys carrying on my way out of the apartment last night). This day is like being a Sunday Christian; if you are going to show your love in whatever your chosen way, you should do it all year round. Besides that, on Valentine's Day, it's almost expected. The time to bring on the roses/balloons/diamonds is when it's not But there was one reason to celebrate yesterday... The best publication of the year came out, that's right, The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition!!! No, not sarcasm. I still have the one from last year. It's awesome for drawing close-to-naked non-poron women! Where is that boy with my popcorn...? Current Mood:  tired as shit
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| Why Maya Software is Evil |
| 02.13.06 (9:27 am) [edit] |
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For those of you playing the home game, Maya is the industry standard of computer animation software. That said, I have no idea why this is the direction most animation and special effects are going when it seems a million times easier to draw the same thing over and over again, or to move something, take a picture, move it again. Why my Maya, (and more specifically my Class) is evil: 1. The teacher is kind of a dick. He gives us an unseenly amount of work to see if we'll "sink or swim" then makes us rank ourselves A-F/best to worst when assignments come in 2. Rather than sitting home doing homework, I have to take a field trip downtown, wait a half hour for a cop to let me in the building (what could be so taxing to the UPD on a Sunday afternoon, I'll never know), and sit my butt there at school. 3. The software has so many damn components to it making it all very confusing and highly time consuming. 4. The book for this class: At first it really holds your hand through it. Then you get to the evil Chapter 5, and it will say, "Change texture to Clouds" and its like, "OK...where the fuck is that?!" So after nearly 10 hours, my brain hurting, relying heavily on the only guy in the room who seemed to know what he was doing, and coming home angry and tired after doing nothing but sitting all day, I'm still not done, and I plan on going back this morning. *Frustrated Sigh!* At least there are only 100 days left till its over now. Current Mood:  pretty blahGotta paint now. Incidentally, I have not liked my old e-mail address for...almost 5 years now (since it's a refrence to when I graduated high school) plus I get so much junk there, I've decided to open up a new address and keep it strictly only to friends and family. I will update applicable people. |
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| Countdowns |
| 02.12.06 (11:15 am) [edit] |
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Things to look forward to: My birthday: 11 days Spring Break: 40 days Dead Day: 93 days Last Final: 101 days Graduation: 103 days Potential/hopeful Wedding date: 208 days Other hopeful, hopeful, hopeful graduation: 831 days A W-Free White House: 1072 days And then there is lots of other stuff I could put in here as being not-so happy to look forward to, ie: Court Date: 109 but I don't know when most of them are exactly... Really not looking forward to going to school to do Maya shit right now. I'll save that rant for later. Current Mood: 
 hungry and pretty blah
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| San Francisco trip today |
| 02.11.06 (7:57 pm) [edit] |
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I had a very strange dream last night in which I entered the BFA portfolio revue, and one of the judges looked like Kristen Dunst (I don't know why) and there was an image of mine of an igloo and they found a cussword written into it and I obviously didn't make it.
Well, I think I understand one of the big themes of that dream... There is a lot more to a Maya project than I initially realized which means I get to go to school tomorrow and suck it up (yay!). Have I mentioned I hate that class lately...? No. Well, I do. It's my least favorite class for many reasons. Today however, Jeremy and I went to San Francisco. It was a gorgeous day. We went to the temporary Steinhart Aquarium, I drew some, I did a lot of research for my eventual tidepool project, which is supposed to look like an illustration out of National Geographic or a children's science book; with a bunch of plant/animal species coexisting in a not-quite realistic, for illustrative purposes only way. The WonderCon comic convention was going on across the street. So we went into the lobby to gawk at nerds dressed like Harry Potter and Storm Troopers and others who I didn't even recognize. Unbeknownst to me, across the street from that at the Zeum was a Wallace and Gromit event complete with an animator from the film who I would have loved to talk to and appreciated it. But by the time we got there, she was already in some kind of class which may or may not have been full. So I was kinda bummed about that. Then we went to the Haight. I finally after nearly 6 months have new sunglasses! And then pretty much after that we came home. Now, I have homework which not only includes the very painful egg that everyone else has already well completed, but a painting of another egg that we could decorate however we want. I decorated mine like Strong Bad's husky head. Which from people who don't know who that is has elicited, "Oh, that's cool" and uproarious laughter from those who do. Then maybe I'll send a copy of the painting to the website in hopes that it will become "fan art of the week." So, yeah... Current Mood: just had a cup of coffee so I could get some work done
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| blind people paint better than I do |
| 02.09.06 (3:18 pm) [edit] |
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This may be a bit of an exaggeration. However, I was told, as I was the last person attempting to finish project 1 that "The last person who had this much trouble ended up needing glasses." *Uncomfortable Laughter*
So, once again, I am the worst. How does this keep happening to me? I feel like shit. I sense I am going to crash and burn. What am I doing in this major?  I have been lied to. I am no better than one of those horrible American Idol contestants. Someone has told them they have some talent. They go along believing that. Why do people do that? Why do people blow sunshine and rainbows up your ass? Why do people lie to you constantly? They aren't doing anyone any favors. They are just setting them up for bigger disappointment I hate all those fucking liars. People wonder how I can be such a pessimist. It's because when bad stuff happens you can at least be right. When good stuff happens you are very plesantly surprised. I've been right more than I've been plesantly surprised lately, it seems. I see more opportunities for me to fail than to not. I've just never understood how everyone else just seems to get it except me. It's like I should be in some kind of special program God, I hate everything. Thank god tomorrow I can go to counseling and at least tell someone about these issues, even if not how to deal with them Current Mood:  angry and frustrated
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| 3 Comments |
| 4th Post in 26 hours! |
| 02.07.06 (1:11 am) [edit] |
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I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, or why I'm blogging so much lately.
16 or 17 tries at this egg painting thing later I still can't get it. All I see is doom and failure. Everything that can go wrong will. And no sleep. My God, Friday is a long way away. And no, I could not get the appointment changed for a later time. Only an idiot would schedule counseling for early in the morning to sit in on a class but go to a later one anyway... Current Mood: despairing
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| No Sleep Tonight |
| 02.06.06 (10:42 pm) [edit] |
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I guess I'll be sleeping over the summer. Or when I'm dead.
I swear, I'm only going to make one more egg since it's not going to be right anyway... If that were true I wouldn't have just had a single-strength coffee. |
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| Ticket Drama |
| 02.06.06 (11:09 am) [edit] |
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Here's something interesting I've noticed: Everyone has wonderful ideas on how to not get pulled over. No really they do. However, none of these brilliant minds who so openly and unwantedly give their advice on how to avoid not getting a ticket know what to do after that. Everyone just pays the fine and that's the end of that. What could happen with the court system and everything is a big mystery. I got up this morning to observe the traffic court I thought I would have to attend on Wednesday. What all the people who know just what to do to not get pulled over did not say is, "That is just the beginning. The date on the paper is where you tell them if you're going to put up or shut up." If I had known that, I would have shown up with paperwork and gotten myself a court date today rather than making myself go back on Wednesday. But noooooo... nobody tells you anything useful. They just tell you useless information after the fact. It's probably just as well. The first court date they assigned this morning was my birthday. That would be a wonderful birthday present wouldn't it? "From your friends in San Mateo county." All I can say is I will never patron any business there again. There fucking economy has already gotten enough of my money. The fuckheads. The things that pisses me off the most about all this is that I was making a strong effort to be careful. Not only that, but everyone else was breaking the same law I was. Why not round the lot of us up? Why me? I am so filled with murderous rage right now. I really don't see how a black mark on record for the three years "works out for the best." Oh, but everything works out for the best! Fuck you, Dad! Sure, I won't be your problem soon enough. Things work out for the best for you. I thought of a critique of that! In my case, there is no win-win situation! If I have to end up paying this thing, it works out for the best for the insurance company, and for the San Mafuckingteo County. If I win then things work out better for me. All that "Things work out for the best" "What goes around comes around" "You can't always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need" it's all crap. It just seems like something we tell ourselves when bad stuff happens. That somehow this is what is supposed to happen to allow something better to happen. Yeah? Prove it. I think the reality is that we try to make ourselves feel warm and fuzzy that "It's all part of God's plan, and when he shuts a door he opens a window" is just something to make us feel better about life. I believe when the shit hits the fan, it won't be evenly distributed. So this morning was almost a complete waste of time/coffee. But at least now I have the time to work on my miserable egg. If I believed all that stuff, I would hope that maybe I wouldn't win this traffic ticket, but maybe I will get into the BFA program. (Thereby saving me more money than extra insurance I would spend for the next 3 years...maybe by that time I'll be all done with school...*WHISTFUL SIGH!*). That would be nice. But I don't see either happening. I was shouting to (not at) my dad earlier because I am so angry and frustrated about everything. So, henceforth, if you know a wonderful way to avoid a speeding ticket, that's wonderful. Keep it to your damn self. If you were not too chickenshit to fight a speeding ticket, please, by all means speak up. I want to hear from you! Seems like there was something else I wanted to say on this whole mess... Current Mood: angry
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| Up f'early everyday |
| 02.06.06 (6:04 am) [edit] |
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Yes, this week every fucking day I have to be up early.
Today I am going to sit in on court because of that snowball's chance in hell thing. Tomorrow I have class at 8 in which something is due, and I have class tonight until 10. Thank god for caffeine. Wednesday is the day I actually have to go to court. Thursday is class again And Friday is counseling at 8:30. If I am going to be officially in that one class I may just move it. Once again, Douchebag Cop, thank you for inconviencing my life, and detracting from my school work. Current Mood: angry and tired
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| My Dad, the Psuedo-Philosopher |
| 02.05.06 (11:19 am) [edit] |
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I didn't mean to write quite so much, who knew I was so angry?
Anyway... Man, stuff sucks right now. I'll say the short stuff before I get into the long stuff. One thing I think I'm not going to like about this CGI class is the fact that all the work must be done in the classroom. I can take a painting home and be home. But doing this homework requires a field trip. I refuse to call it 3D Animation becuase there are only two types of 3D animation: stop-motion and real-time puppeteering. CGI is just done on a computer where things can be roated and seen from all angles giving the illusion of 3D but it's just as 2D as an object painted with appropriate light and shadows. Yes, that rant about 3D animation was the short stuff. I'm just ever-so-slightly bitter that they don't teach what I want to do at the "best animation school in the country." Maybe someday I'll change that. Secondly, thank god it's Sunday. I woke up almost thinking it was Monday. Tomorrow, I have to drive to the court where my traffic thing is and see if I have any hope of winning. This whole thing just sucks donkey balls. I hope that someone shoots that cop. Everything works out for the best. Yeah, bullshit it does! This is what my dad, AKA Father Dennis, kept harping on yesterday. How you don't own the outcome of stuff so why worry about it? Hey, that's great. How about, I go lay down on the sidewalk, stay dead weight, and whatever happens, happens. I don't own the outcome of whatever would happen while on the sidewalk, and I'm not going to worry about if I get kicked, steped on, arrested, shot, run over, die of starvation, or sunburnt. I don't own it. Why worry about anything? He's so full of shit. Who owns the outcome then? And if the outcome is bad, isn't it still shit that I have to live with it? When did my dad become such a loopy philisophical person? I hope I never get so old I get religious. Ingmar Bergman Often when I go to counseling, I unload my issues, and later realize all I did was talk about what's wrong and not how I'm going to deal with it. Yesterday was like there was a bunch of stuff I wanted to talk about, like, "How the hell are [Jeremy and] I supposed to exist come June?" We spent almost all of lunch making me feel hopeless about winning the speeding ticket and later his "Chill out, God won't let anything bad happen to me" dellusions. Then we moved on to Starbucks where, elaborating on his uptight religious beliefs, he tried to imply that Jeremy was not committed to marrying me because "There was no date and no ring" and these things must exist because "That's just the way it's done." In addition couples who I should have just come out right then and said, "You mean have sex?" As if people don't have sex everyday without marriage or living together. Plus, according to him, when two people live together, "The woman is auditioning the man for marriage material and they rarely ever end up doing it." (It marriage, not the other it). So, here's what I see happening, (and it involves everyone being just a little bit unhappy): We still want to get married in September of this year. My mom wants me to have a big fat white wedding. But I suspect she wants a year to plan it. I think my dad secretly wants that too, but he doesn't want any living together before hand. So, my mom is not going to be happy because instead of a year to plan, she has 6 months. My dad is not going to be happy because Jeremy and I will So you see, for once, no one is completely happy. I won't be happy because I have 6 months to lose 50 pounds. OK. Gotta get dressed and go to school. Yippy. Oh, and I'm getting really frustrated with a painting. I have to get A's on the first 4 studies. After 13 failed attempts so far, I still don't see that happening by Tuesday morning. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing in this major. One more quote about religion, this time from Woody Allen: If you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans Current Mood: really, really blah
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| Concert Update |
| 02.02.06 (10:28 pm) [edit] |
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So, evidentally, I'm not seeing The Bad Boys of Boston, The Boneyard Boys, Toxic Twins, Demon of Screamin' OR Lenny Kravitz tomorrow night because of an "illness." This makes me sad.
However, I will be seeing The Bad Boys of Boston, The Boneyard Boys, Toxic Twins, Demon of Screamin' and Cheap Trick (who I prefer over Lenny Kravitz; I only know one song he sings and that he was on that Rock 'n' Roll Camp Simpsons episode) on Tuesday, April 11th. Luckily, I don't have class on Tuesday nights. My dad called me and told me that. And I inadvertently said, "Shit" in response. He got...unhappy with me about that. It's like, "Sorry, but how am I supposed to feel?" Besides, I know he cusses all the time and pretends like he doesn't around me and gets upset when I use that language. So, sad about the postponed concert, happy about the new opener. Current Mood: this looks like how I feel; slightly buzzed on a massive Frappucino (that they upgraded for me) but not necessarily angry
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| Font Poll |
| 02.02.06 (4:43 pm) [edit] |
Which of these fonts do you like the best? This is based on coolness, readability, and for anyone out there who knows me personally, which one looks the most like me? I feel like I should say more here. Going to see The Bad Boys of Boston, Toxic Twins, two of of the Boneyard Boys, and some guy named Lenny Kravitz tomorrow!! I have caffeine in my apartment now, things will be better. Current Mood:  not sure
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| Need caffine |
| 02.01.06 (7:31 am) [edit] |
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Why the fuck is there no fucking caffine in this fucking apparment?!
Will I ever be able to sleep again? Pastels, don't fail me now! Current Mood: tired and a little hungry
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Something else will go here soon KSJS Radio Promotion
5 KSJS Drops