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| This semester needs to die |
| 04.30.06 (9:54 am) [edit] |
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Of all the things I am really not looking forward to doing today, fucking around in the Maya lab is not one of them.
This semester needs to die a horrible painful death and be buried deeply. And here's why: I am disinclined to continue on this semester since I know now what a failure I actually am. I hate having to be in class till 10 at night and back at 8 the next morning I hate working with Maya as it is completely stupid I hate having to do the Maya homework at school which requies a half-hour field trip and being potentially locked in a building possibly requiring a police officer to come and let me back in which takes forever; what police officers are doing that's so damned important at 11 am on a Sunday I don't know. PE as a college subject is such a waste of time. Yes, the exercise is valuable, but the reason I don't exercise outside of class is because I have no time. I'm tired of being the worst. God, everything sucks. Finished up my learning disability worksheet. Realistically they will probably find nothing wrong with me which means I'm just dumb. |
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| 04.29.06 (1:19 pm) [edit] |
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Nothing is good.
Nobody got what they wanted. |
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| this just in... |
| 04.29.06 (12:42 pm) [edit] |
| this just in, I hate my life and myself. |
| 0 Comments |
| Hate myself |
| 04.29.06 (8:50 am) [edit] |
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I'm still here. And I'm still thinking about how much I hate myself, all the other times I've been rejected, having more imagination than talent, how much I suck, how I'm fat, how I don't know why I'm awake, how ridiculous it is that I was ever worried about getting hung up on making good drawings for my comic strip because that's impossible for me, how I hate myself, how most people have one or two things that they are better at than others and I don't have any one thing I am particularly good at, how i'm so pissed off that i can't print so that i can fill out the learning disabilities thing, how it is beyond me how everyone else got better than me and therefore I must be stupid, how I want this miserable semester to end more than ever and it just won't, how I want to do harm to myself, how much I hate myself, how meaningless my upcoming graduation really is, how I wish I were vacationing instead of doing now-meaningless schoolwork, how I want to shoot myself in the head, how much of an asshole my dad is and how he wants to blame everyone else when his kids outright suck, and just generally how much everything sucks.
Current Mood:  i don't know; this kinda looks like how I feel...
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| 1 Comments |
| Officially the Worst |
| 04.28.06 (9:43 pm) [edit] |
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Yes. It is official.
Everyone is better than me. I am the worst. I know this because unlike all my classmates, I failed the portfolio revue; the most important thing I have been worrying about for 5 yearsEveryone is better than me. I hate myself and want very much to cease to be. So, it's another semester of college for me... I don't know why I care. I tend to make a point of being anti-social and am amazed when people know my name. I also don't understand why if I knew I was going to fail I still cried a little bit. Had it not cost $11 to print at Kinko's I'd be filling out the learning disability survey. I hate being the worst. I want to kill myself. If I ever have kids I won't encourage them to do anything. I don't know where that came from. Time to get my drink on... I'm so glad Jeremy is here. I just wish my dad weren't such an asshole. Current Mood:  very very depressed and feeling completely worthless
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| Anywhere but here |
| 04.28.06 (10:16 am) [edit] |
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It's such a gorgeous day. I want to run away.
I wish I were anywhere else but here; Europe, on a cross country car vacation, Disneyland, Disney World, San Francisco, Lake Tahoe... Any or all of these places would be better than the possibility of having to make my de-faced Maya horse animated. That's the only problem with when the whether finally stops being cloudy and rainy. It makes one yearn for summer even more. Make this semester end faster!!! Current Mood:  whatever...
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| learning disability |
| 04.27.06 (11:36 pm) [edit] |
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Evidentally there is a way through SJSU to determine whether one has a learning disability.
If you thought there was a chance you had a learning disability, even a little one that was completely impeding your day to day life would you want to know? I can't seem to find any other possible explanation for why when a teacher says "Do this" 3 times and I still can't do it. Honestly, would you want to know if you had a learning disability? |
| 0 Comments |
| Maya Hating |
| 04.27.06 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
| God, I hate Maya so much. I have no fucking idea why this is where the industry is going when it is a total pain in the ass! |
| 0 Comments |
| Tired of being stupid |
| 04.27.06 (10:35 am) [edit] |
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I'm tired of being stupid.
I wish I had an explanation for why I don't get stuff. Why when I do something wrong somebody says, "No, do it like this" and I think I do it like this but for whatever reason I don't and it's still wrong. I just want a reason for why I'm so stupid. Something along the lines of: you have dsylexia, there is a disconnection between your brain and your hand, your IQ is 2-digits, you are a sociopath, Pisces always have problems doing this, you are actually left handed... Just some reasonable explanation for why I don't get stuff! Still no word about the portfolio revues. I've already rescheduled counseling around it and they are so busy and crunched I don't think I could do it again. I'm tired of going to an almost useless PE class I'm tired of having Maya not do what it should. I'm tired of being behind and not getting things for no apparent reason. I can't remember the last time I wanted a semester to end this badly. Current Mood:    blah, frustrated, and hungryand yes, I am still very bitter about certain people eating sandwhiches that were never intended for them, although it is a stupid thing to be bitter about but some people could have maybe been ever-so-slightly more respectful... That's my fourth edit about how I feel about people eating my damn sandwhich I won't say anything else. |
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| 04.25.06 (11:10 am) [edit] |
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Well, evidentally the job that Jeremy has had two or three interviews for is not hiring or something. When I talked to him about it I think I was more depressed about it than he was.
Still no word yet about the portfolio revue; I had to reschedule my counseling appointment because they are still deliberating about those borderline people whom I can only hope to be a part of. But in slightly better news, I wrote to one of my favorite comic artists of Slowpoke Comics about cartooning while turning off the voices in your head that are trying to tell you how to draw "the right way" and she wrote me back a very nice e-mail which was exciting. Seems like there was something else that was semi-decent... Current Mood:  kinda tired
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| 1 Comments |
| 04.23.06 (11:19 am) [edit] |
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The thing I hate most about going home is going back to San Jose. The drive up is nicer because I know for the most part good things are waiting for me at home and I know what I'm getting back into: Maya shit, a yet-incomplete value study in a class I don't feel I can do anything right in and am therefore completely unmotivated, and knowing exactly what next semester will look like.
I wish I had had the Maya class when I was living in the dorms; there wasn't anyone else at home I would have rather been with, and going to do the homework didn't require a car trip complete with finding parking and everything else. 31 days till the last day of finals, and 34 more days until graduation. Current Mood:  none
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| Regretting |
| 04.21.06 (12:27 pm) [edit] |
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I should never have applied this semester.
Apart from just plain not getting in, I am certain that I will compeletely embarass myself and all the teachers will feel embarassed because they teach me supposedly and it will just be a bad situation all around. |
| 1 Comments |
| 04.19.06 (9:21 am) [edit] |
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This could either be a very good week or a very bad week for both Jeremy and I for our own reasons.
Hope that it's a good week for both of us... |
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| 04.17.06 (10:32 pm) [edit] |
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It sucks to have a class till 10pm and then one at 8 the next morning. At least I will probably never have to to this again.
I think i hear jeremy with food... Getting people organized is hard |
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| 04.17.06 (11:20 am) [edit] |
| I just really don't feel like doing anything anymore... |
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| Brides Maids Dresses |
| 04.16.06 (2:16 pm) [edit] |
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Let's pretend that the reason my so-called best friend hasn't told me what her availability is this weekend to look at bridesmaids dresses is because she has spent her weekend in... Disneyland (why not?) and has no access to computer, and is too busy to answer a text message.
And that she isn't being herself and only making time for me when it's convinient for her. If she wants to hang out on a weekend, or if she's bored and expects me to drop on her whim, she calls me and I answer her with a yes or no if I can. If I want to hang out with her and write, or call, or text message, most of the time it's like the message got lost in a vacuum. Given all that, I'll give her one more day to answer her e-mail in some way. If not, it's time to send the threatening messages about the dress she will be assigned if she doesn't respond. Starting with this one: 
I know for a fact she isn't all about the overly patriotic thing, so hopefully the message will get through. But if it isn't, there's a lot more where that came from... |
| 3 Comments |
| Drama Queening |
| 04.15.06 (10:44 pm) [edit] |
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It has been brought to my attention by some that I have been a bit of a drama queen lately.
How about this? Everyone who has been told more frequently than they would like how limited their skills are in every area of something imaginable has the first right to criticize me for being a drama queen. Then everyone of that group who has ever attempted something as critical and nerve wrecking as what I am attempting with all the aforementioned negative shit making one feel as though they will probably If you fit into both of those catergories then and only then may you criticize me for being a drama queen. The rest of you who do not fit into either of those catergories Fuck off |
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| Beatles |
| 04.15.06 (1:27 am) [edit] |
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How the hell did I forget how much I love the Beatles?
Current Mood: temporarily content What's on: I Want to Hold Your Hand Preview |
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| kitty |
| 04.12.06 (11:23 pm) [edit] |
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I really want a kitty...
Get out of my head crappy, fast-paced, salsa-remix, high-pitched teeny bopper girl version of Jump. The songs played in my aerobics class are often covers of once-very-nice songs except sped up and put to a g'afwul salsa beat as I'm left wondering, "Wasn't this a really nice Three Dog Night song once?" Freakin' Jack in the Box. I guess that's more greasy food than I've had in awhile |
| 1 Comments |
| 04.11.06 (2:47 pm) [edit] |
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I think I wanna die.
Current Mood: physically and mentally sick
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| 3 Comments |
| 04.11.06 (4:46 am) [edit] |
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Jeremy gave me his cold.
I've been awake since 3:30; I woke up from a Maya related dream. Failure in the upcoming review is imminent and although I tell myself it will be ok, I am still depressed. I don't know why I bother with stuff. I wish I wasn't so neurotic. Everyone is better than me. Rain, rain go away and stop contributing to my bleak outlook. All my co-students will leave me behind. Thank god I chose counseling for this week rather than next. Why did I ever think I could do this? So many hours wasted on stuff that should never have been. I want to die. 48 miserable days till graduation. How can that damn bird be so chirpy at this hour? My throat hurts. I hate the short bus. I want to run away. I want to not have any responsibilities what-so-ever. Nobody will tell me what I want to hear. I want something to be good. I don't feel like there is any one thing I'm good at; I suck at everything equally. My brain hurts. I should take my degree and run. Current Mood:     all this
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| Portfolio Revue Blues |
| 04.10.06 (12:01 pm) [edit] |
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My brain hurts.
My dad lost my W2 from Macy's and was a real pissypants when he woke me up at 7:30 this morning to ask where I had it which in turn made me a bitch. Tonight is the pre-portfolio revue. Hooray. I have this feeling he'll say nothing is good enough for the revue. Sometimes I think I can take the rejection, coming up with things like, "It's ok, better to be a big fish" or "I'll work on what I really want which is stop-motion till I clear this little hurdle..." Other times I think it will be proof that everyone is better than me, and all my And other times I think, "I'm at a certain level, I can do this, there is no reason I'm not ready for this." But I try not to think that too often; when you're a cynic if you're right you can say, "I told you so" if you're wrong then you are actually pleasantly surprised rather than totally crushed. Current Mood:  sick to my stomach
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| Life sucks |
| 04.07.06 (10:13 am) [edit] |
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I skipped class yesterday morning. That, combined with the unexpected relatively beautiful weather made for a great day.
Jeremy cooked (yes, actually cooked) dinner for me last night. It was lovely. I really don't feel like doing anything anymore. I don't want to rework potential portfolio things, I don't want to go to figure drawing class today, I don't want to study right now, I don't want to do my graphite tidepool drawing, and I don't want to make my maya horse. I have found that reworking a painting when there are not any deadlines, necessary all-nighters or upcoming public critiques against your fellow classmates is quite nice. That doesn't happen too often. I sent a message to my mom nicely requesting that sometime this weekend we come to a decision about when and where this wedding thing is going to be. And she wrote me back explaining that she and dad had several appointments this weekend to look at places and this can only be done on the weekend. However, I sensed there was some hostility in her words when she explained "What a time consuming process this is...I suggest you just be patient...and I haven't slept for 2 nights because of all this...Your Mother." Wow. My mom is such a bitch. How about, "Not only is this frustrating little tidbit on my mind, so is fact that in two weeks what the next part of my acadamic career will be decided, and all the other assignments that I have to do, and the fact that I still have to do all the stupid little insignificant things in life like buy groceries so you don't have a shitfit about me only eating candy bars?" Forgive me for thinking that just one stressor could be nailed down this weekend... I seriously need a clone. My best friend text messaged me last night at 6:30. I forgot my cellphone. However, this is what she said, "I'm bored. Are you at school?" It's interesting. If I want her to do something on my schedule I never hear anything from her. For example, the Friday starting spring break, I wanted to go bar hopping. I sent a text message saying, "What are you doing tomorrow night?" Nothing. But when she's bored, or decides she wants to be with me I feel like she expects me to jump on her whim. It doesn't matter. I don't have time for friends anyway. But when I do, she doesn't have time for me. Current Mood: pretty blah
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| Stress |
| 04.05.06 (11:35 pm) [edit] |
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I lost the really rough drawing that I was going to do my semi-final rendering on. I don't know where it is, I drove all the way back to the parking garage downtown to see if I could find it, but it is gone.
I am going straight to bed and not going to class tomorrow since I'm really not ready. The pre-portfolio revue meeting is a few days earlier than I originally thought which means I've got to work through the weekend and finish whatever little things I have...i think I have...six potentially decent pieces...six of 7-10 +5. Yeah...good... Shit. And I called home to remind everyone how stressed, squelched, and frustrated I am about classes I'm falling behind in, impending portfolio revues, and the fact that there is still not definitive location for this damn wedding, I talk to my mom, happen to mention that all I have eaten today is a Twix (because no where else on campus takes plastic, and the student store doesn't sell healthy food), my mom lectures me about how bad it is not to eat some semblence of a breakfast and how bad it is to not only eat a candy, but only that. I say, "If I'd known you were going to be like this I wouldn't have said anything" at which point she becomes bitchy, doesn't think I'm being respectful of her completely undesired and heated advice and hangs up on me, and in response to an earlier letter, I am being the grown up and sending her an insincere apology. Yeah. Good times. Had to finally tell Kelly I didn't think I was allowed to have any fun for at least a little while... I wish all I had to do was go out to lunch, movies, drink, and look at dresses but I don't. I feel like I am driving full speed towards a brick wall. 51 miserable days till graduation. Current Mood: this again
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| My head hurts |
| 04.04.06 (10:51 pm) [edit] |
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My brain is screaming!!!
I'm not doing anything I need to do stuff I want to be back on spring break not thinking about anything Current Mood: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
What's on: South Park - Professor Chaos |
| 1 Comments |
| I suck at everything |
| 04.04.06 (2:48 am) [edit] |
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I should just quit right now.
I should just admit that while some people are better at some things than others, I'm not good at anything. All my colleagues are going to pass me up this semester and I will still be stuck on the short bus, I know it. I'll have a degree after this semester I should just throw in the chamois and have done with it. I can go somewhere where I am finally not the worst at everything. Tomorrow I must buy graduation regalia. Thank god there is counseling tomorrow. I was debating not going to class for the 3rd time almost in a row. Who knew all those convinient do-it-yourself camera places shut down before 10:00? Can't get any good damn service after 9:00. Fucking short bus... Why did so many people lie to me...? Worse yet, why do people continue to blow sunshine and rainbows up my ass? Current Mood: frustrated
What's on: Princess Bride
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| 2 Comments |
| Stuff Sucks |
| 04.03.06 (1:57 pm) [edit] |
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Horray. Rain for as far as the calendar can see.
Horray. I have to pull an all-nighter tonight. Horray. 53 days till commencement. Hooray. I have to go to Maya class tonight. Hooray. The wedding is probably going to be in a big ol' boring church just like every other wedding on the planet. Current Mood: make it be spring break again
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| 1 Comments |
| Accomplished nothing |
| 04.02.06 (1:10 pm) [edit] |
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Things I did this week:
Finished a skull rendering traced once Worked a little bit on a painting from last semester that I truly must have been an idiot to ever turn in. Took some tidepool pictures Got a wedding dress Got a hair cut Two months of Laundry Went out to lunch a few times Decided where I didn't want to have the wedding. And I think my dad may be getting my oil changed... And maybe my cranky-old-man computer will get replaced before I leave. The last two being done at the last minute of course... Things I did not do this week: Trace all the other days of the week Get my headlight fixed Finish my Maya Lady Godiva Do my graphite rendering of the tidepool Make storyboards for College Radio Sucks prettier Fix my egg paintings that are still not good enough Decide where the wedding is going to be instead of the rinky-dink zoo thereby putting everything in limbo. Work on my comic book for the class I will probably fail and have to retake again next semester. Get my camera fixed Get a smog certificate Do a portrait of my dad Work on my new reverse drawing I really do not look forward to going back to school. I feel like all I have to look forward to is things at which to fail and become an angry bitch about. I don't feel like I accomplshed anything this break. I don't feel like I just sat around and was a lazy butt. But I really should have done so much more than I did. Current Mood: wanting a break where I can not feel quite so guilty
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| 1 Comments |
| I'm a pain |
| 04.01.06 (10:53 am) [edit] |
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So my mom Jeremy Mike and I all went to the zoo yesterday and I was very disappointed. It's a really small-timey zoo. The room itself looked kinda old. And it sounds like the more fun you want to have, the more money you need to spend.
So it's probably not going to be there which means that my wedding will be very boring. My parents are arguing about life philosophies and living together and religion. My mom is frustrated because now she has to find another venue and things are getting booked and she wants to find a place that does the venue, the marryin' spot, the tables, and the food, and some girls do this sort of thing a year or more in advance (which to be fair i tried to do a year ago when I was instructed to march right over to David's Bridal and find a wedding dress which I did and there was no further discussion of weddings). And I feel like a big fat stupid expensive pain in the ass to everybody... I'm tempted to say "Let's just move this party to Vegas, you won't have to worry about anything, and everyone can have fun." Current Mood:  I feel special
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Something else will go here soon KSJS Radio Promotion
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