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| Shitty day |
| 08.31.04 (12:15 am) [edit] |
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The day started off fine. My stupid aunt called me at 7 in the fucking morning again. I was a little awake then. But I still didn't answer. I just shouted that she was evil. I had to go to Bio Lab this afternoon, which meant I didn't get anything for lunch but an energy drink and a bag of chips. (It was not my fault; I had an hour and a half to get my art crap, check my voicemail to see if the VPA lady called me, and get food, at that point I needed a shot in the arm more than i needed food, then I had class from 3:30-8:00, at which point the food things were closed). I talked to my life drawing teacher about attempting to get better than a "A more imagination than talent" revue. She told me the same old stuff I've heard before, "Come to every class, do the reading, do all the assignments." Well, i've heard that before. We'll see.:? The wonderful night crescendoed to my Art 1 class. This class is all about Art Careers, and success in the art program, one unit, credit no credit class. And I just was listening to the stuff he said, about how competitive the BFA program is (25 out of the whole group), don't even think about other majors, which I guess I sorta knew, but wasn't foremost on my mind, listening to how I should have not taken GE up front (thanks a heap, dumbass! I could go on about my feelings on General Education, but I won't). And I thought about reguardless of the amount of time I am going to be here, feeling negative about parking permits, textbook costs, and stupid little things like how the fire marshall said we can't put things on the door anymore:  In the end, I thought about how no teacher has ever thought that my drawings were A material, how I always "Have more imagination than talent," and how I am probably not in the top 25 of all the art students at SJSU. Here more specifically is my thought process: If I don't get into animation, then what? What am I supposed to do then? I feel like I have to be an art major. If I'm not, what then? All I am good at is art. That's all. And I've always thought I could be in that. If I'm not an art major, bound for some art career, then what? It means almost everything I thought about myself up to this point is a lie. If I settle on just my RTVF major, then that's just me settling like I feel like I settle on everything else. I couldn't wait for class to be over so that I could go back to my room and bawl. I called my dad, crying hard. He said now said he would be coming down on Wednesday to talk about stuff, like how, as he put it, "the odds are 1000 to one of getting accepted in the program" (if you figure that 25 people out of 25000 are accepted in the program). I called Jeremy, still in somewhat in tears, and told him why I was crying. He was very sweet to me. He wasn't a dork. He listened and was so good. I love him! I wasn't crying by the end of it. Then I had to sit through the hall meeting; I only went to show the RA the picture of the coral reef I printed out to paint on one of the walls in the study lounge. Then I talked to my mom. I talked to my mom because my dad told me she wanted to talk to me. She called me because my dad told her that I wanted to talk to her. Technically, I couldn't think of anything to say to her. I told her I was upset and that I was crying and why. And she started in with, "And how do you know you are not good enough?" She assumed that just because right then I felt negative about my chances that I wouldn't even try, which is not true. I'm still going to try and do my best. I'm just not super confident. And then she just criticized me for being negative all the time, generally, not being a happy person, and how she thought me having a boyfriend would just fix everything, (people who are completely ignorant may not know this, but the way a boyfriend can provide the biggest ego boost, is by actually having him within, let's say, 200 miles), how I have no confidence, and what did she do wrong? (Of course, nothing I say here can be right, I say, "It's not you, it's all my fault," that's wrong, if I say, "Well, you could be more supportive," that's wrong too. And for some reason, "look, I just had a little nervous breakdown, it's no big deal" isn't the right answer either). Also, she gets frustrated that because my dad lied to both of us, saying that we were both anxious to talk to one another, (only that's my fault; I was trying to be polite because my dad calls me a lot and I don't talk to my mom so much because there is not much to say). There was little to say in our conversation. In hindsight, I felt like I was doing most of the talking, except when she was being mad at me for momentarily and but severely depressed. And she got frustrated, "You can't talk to me! Jeremy's mom was right. You are hard to talk to. You talk to Bonnie alright, you talk to Jeremy's aunt all the time," (who told you I do that? Sometimes he sticks the phone in her face when he's talking to me, or she e-mails me a picture of Jeremy when he was younger, but we're not good buds. Incidentally, bringing Bonnie into all this, how immature on her part, showing how insecure she really has the potential to be). She got frustrated, the conversation ended with "good-bye" and her hanging up on me.:evil: I just felt like, "You know what? Fuck you, bitch! I've had a rough day, and all you can do is sit here and get in my face about being introverted, and a little depressed. It's bad enough I have to feel negative, but I don't need this shit from you making things worse." She just can't handle the fact that I am, or was hurting. My dad says, "That's bullshit, I'm coming down to San Jose so we can talk about this." Jeremy listens to what I say patiently and tries to make me feel better. Both of them outright say, "You make really nice paintings." My mom, after she virtually throws her arms in the air and says, "What am I supposed to do?!" and I say, "Maybe be more supportive?" she very insincerely goes through a laundry list of all the positive things she's said in the past about my art, "That picture of Jeremy is really good except the background is busy; what a lovely nativity, that picture you painted of whatizface [Steven Tyler] is fabulous.":roll: So now I am temporarily hating my mother and considering getting counseling (which is something I was hoping to avoid until SAD season). Tonight, I am turning off my cell phone so that my aunt doesn't call me at some g'awful hour. Current Mood:  shitty
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