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| Everyone is better than me |
| 05.15.05 (6:16 pm) [edit] |
|
If anyone should read this particular entry top to bottom, I am most appreciative. I have been very depressed lately. This explains why. I don't know if this will post or not. The last post I made showed up in the recent blogs, but for some reason, I can't see the page itself. I can't see anyone else's either. Well, we'll see. Writing about stuff is therapeutic. I had a nightmare last week the night before that I failed my Friday class. It's God, I have spent a lot of time dwelling on that. If we are all taking the same classes, how did everyone get to be better than me? Whenever he says something about how well everyone is doing, I automatically think, "Except for me, because I'm the worst!" I've felt guilt about not going down to his school in the summer because I want an internship (God willing!) because I feel like that's the only way I'm ever going to be better especially if everyone else is going too. It has caused a lot of self-doubt, especially for one such as myself who isn't Miss Confidence anyway. It made me wish the year were less close to being over so that I could get some counseling. I still may try to. The most important thing I wanted to know is why everyone was lying to me? And by lying, I mean people who obviously know nothing drawing, when they see my work say, "Oooh! Wow! You're really good!" They've always said that. Ever since 1st grade when every other kid wanted to be a veterinarian and I would draw birds for them. People told me I was good and I believed them! That's why I got into this major in the first place. It was the thing I did. Other kids did sports, music, excelled academically, I drew. I always did. And nearly everyone said I was good. Why did those stupid idiots lie to me?!?! Why did everyone insist on blowing sunshine and rainbows up my ass? I've thought this a lot. This is the only skill I've ever had to offer, and what if I fail? C+ again on the last one. Disappointed, but not terribly surprised. Still depressed. I needed to talk to someone but couldn't. My mom is not always sympathetic. My dad was airbone on his way to Jeremy's graduation, and I've already given Bonnie enough of my shit. When my dad finally called as I was on my way to Sacramento for the weekend. I told him what was happening, why I was so depressed all of a sudden. And he made me realize somewhat that what that teacher said was bullshit. I see it now too. I asked him a question about a grade, he didn't answer it. The first time he said, "I gave you that grade because of your proportions." The second time, he more-or-less said I sucked. It may be true. It may be true that everyone is better than me. But WHY? "You just suck," is not a reason for a grade. A reason for a grade is, "This looks wrong to me...this wasn't done the right way...actually, I just don't like your haircut" are all reasons why I would get a low grade! And I also now don't understand the point of the class comparison. Maybe everyone is better than me. Unless this class is on a curve, who the hell cares! What everyone else is doing should not affect my grade! He said that if you don't "Get it" this semester take it again, or take the advanced version. I see now that given the notion that "I suck" if I took the advanced class, I would "suck" at new things. If I took the same class again, I would "suck" at the same shit again because he hasn't told me whyeee!! I'm not even worried about the "grade." I'm not upset that he told me what he thought. I now feel cheated that he didn't tell me why even when I asked. I also would like to say that I know I am probably not completely innocent. Again, wish I'd gotten all these revelations a little earlier. You know, before there was no time to get counseling; Before I gave him a good review and was convinced I was just the lowly backward child drooling in the corner; While there was still time to get a concrete answer on why I suck so that I could improve it. Well, on Friday we are supposed to discuss our grades. I fully plan on discussing this with him. Piggybacking on these nuerotic thoughts: What if I can't do an internship this summer?=Then I won't graduate=then I can't get married=What if we start planning the wedding and we need to cancel? What classes should I take?=Should I go back and take the class I probably should have taken this semester?=[different teacher] said it helped with design=He also said just go forward=What if I should take it before the other one?=He said not to take it at the same time=What if I took the one I should have done first=Shit! I'll be here another year!=Is it better to wait more year and be another year better and make up for the lost time after=Shit! School sucks!=But he did say to just keep going=What if my designs are not up to parr? Oh shit! If I'm going to keep this school bus on track, I'm going to have to apply for the BFA next semester!=I can't do that! I'm not ready! I'm nowhere near good enough=If I get rejected a second time, that will be the end of it!= I won't accomplish all the cool things I hoped to!=But if I don't do it next semester for the first time, I may be here another semester! Stop motion! Who am I kidding? I don't know anything about it!=should I learn to animate first?=What if I never get that opportunity?!=Then what? It's all the same shit. It's all insecurities about myself. I finally did talk to my mom about it. Somehow, as she fell asleep in the pool, my mind started to wander. And this is usually where it wanders to. Somehow, my shit turned into my mom's shit about how she never had any goals; just to have kids and be a housewife, and she doesn't do that very well because she doesn't do much of anything other than sleep. And she says she doens't need counseling... I don't know. That last asension into nuerosis isn't quite so true anymore. I got my stop motion books this weekend. One of them is written by a guy who works on Wallace and Grommit. Flipping through the book, one of the subjects is 3 point lighting I know 3 point lighting! I've done it! Key Fill and whatever the background one is! The simple exercises to try seem so simple! It seemed like somthing I could do! Had a nice weekend at home. Haven't had a weekend at home where I just relax since winter break. My mother was surprisingly receptive to the zoo idea. When we were fighting last weekend, she asked me all of these questions that were very unimportant at the time, "What do you want your dress to look like? What do you want to do? What colors do you want? A year is not that long to plan a wedding!" So we looked at websites while I was at home, and she said, "Oh, well, we've got over a year." Holy crap! What happened to "Decide all this shit today because you've only got a little over year!" mnnnnnn...crap. This weather had better improve. I'm doing a project completely dependent on sunlight! It was 85 in Sacramento this weekend, and gorgeous. Not so today when I actually could have worked on it, of course! I had artichokes and orange mandies this weekend! I actually brought the stuff home with me so now I have virgin mandies (no giggling!) Current Mood:  really really blah.
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posted by: Jeremy (reply)
post date: 05.16.05 (1:32 pm)
Whey were you dissanppointed with a C+. I am happy most of the time with a c+
posted by: fatbottmdgirl (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (8:04 am)
This is not a C+ business; there is no room for third or even second best.
posted by: pendragon (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (1:31 pm)
My dear cousin,
If you need someone to talk to, and you do not want to talk to my mom, you can always call me. Though not as adept as she, I did inherit many of mother's listening/counseling traits. Anyway, keep kicking ass.
posted by: fatbottmdgirl (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (1:52 pm)
Reply to: pendragon
Thank you, Andrew.
posted by: pendragon (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (6:35 pm)
Reply to: fatbottmdgirl
Any time babe.
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